ATTENTION... This post may make some mad...

So it was brought to my attention numerous times that I have had a pretty rough time since nick has been gone... Here is just a quick list..
1. I gave birth to our daughter a week later Nick left for the second time.
2. I fought and conquered post partum depression.
3. I found out that I have stage one ovarian cancer.
4. Taylor was diagnosed with seizures.
5. Taylor was diagnosed with Autism
6. I have kidney stones/kidney infection and I am looking at surgery possibly.
7. My only parent left moved back to her home country leaving me "alone" without any parent physically here.

Now most people have been a huge support ( anissa, Kate, Katy, Sylvia, Erikka, and family!) But I still get the occasional eye roll when I post that I wish Nick could have been here for a holiday or a birthday or even just make it back by our anniversary! What gets me the most is not once have I complained about how I cant do this without him or I NEED him ( sure at first I did ... but only to close friends and family) I also do not count down the days for this to me seems like it makes it go slower... sure maybe the weeks and when we get to 7 days I will but right now there is like a million days left and I dont feel like counting. lol

what I am trying to say in this blog is that I do miss nick just because I dont post about it on fb all the time does not mean I dont... I am sooo thankful for his sacrifices... and lets agree he is sacrificing a lot! and I will not lie that I dont think to myself or cry at night once the girls are asleep because the battles Im facing on a daily basis seem so big and yes I have God... but sometimes I think to myself my husband would be nice... even if it is just a hug.

So please stop telling me that I dont need to complain everyday and I need to be proud and stand by him because I am. But if you notice the list above thats alot in one year... let me tell ya!

If I have offended anyone I am sorry.

where did those 3lbs 11 oz of sweetness go?

Whoa! I can not even begin to tell you all how saddened yet excited yet frightened yet terrified I am for Taylor to turn 2! When she turned 1 I thought to myself this will get easier each year... I was way wrong... I blinked and she is almost 2... I can not believe that 2 years ago today I was not even imagining my daughter would be born 9 weeks early nor did I think she would almost die in the NICU... But Nick and I are blessed extremely blessed. In fact 2 years ago today I was still trying to process the fact that my father had passed away... I am going to repeat Taylor's birth story and catch you all up-to-date on what is going on 2 years later! so here it goes... On april 14th I woke up to what I thought was just slight cramping... I drank a glass of water and laid on my left side, when that didnt work I decided to just get up and get going with my day... I think I cleaned our apartment and did some laundry and that is when I noticed it yet again ... that annoying cramping although now it was getting way worse... it was close to dinner time so I figured I will eat and then just go to sleep... When I started leaking fluid an hour later I looked at Nick and said something is not right... I wasnt entirely sure because obviously taylor was my first baby and first pregnancy... but I knew that I needed to call my dr and see what he thought... I didnt even get everything out before he told me to go straight to labor and delivery triage at arrowhead hospital... Now with nick having to take time off for my fathers funeral we were not going to even ask them to let him go until they said the baby was coming... So my awesome and amazing friend kate came with me to the hospital and bless her heart sat with me through what happened next... I was immediatly admitted- my bp was extrememly high and I was in labor... a couple of labs and a urine later I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia... I was rushed into being put on magnesium sulfate ( this medicine is evil...) and also place on strict you are not getting out of bed bed rest. I was also not allowed to eat... which I thought was extrememly cruel but I was to out of it to even care... I do remember kate not eating anything either and sitting there holding me as I cried that it was to soon... When the neonatologist came in to inform me that he would be Taylor's dr I was terrified... I asked him what did he mean my daughter will be in the hospital... I was clueless and drugged. when my ob came in the following morning and nick had finally made it to the hospital ( he was asleep for this part...) and told me that they needed to deliver as soon as possible other wise taylor and i could die... I started screaming and crying for nick to wake up ... I dont really remember anything more at that point except all family was called and kate came back to the hospital... ( she had gone home to shower...) when they told me they were transfering me to banner thunderbird I looked at nick and kate and begged for one of them to please be allowed to ride in the ambulance with me... well Nick had to go to meet all the family at thunderbird and kate bless her again came with me... I dont remember much except kate holding her hand on my head and the nurse kept saying are you feeling your contractions? then it was go time and I honestly do not remember anything after getting wheeled into the OR. Now fast forward to now... Taylor has had speech therapy and she approx. says around 10-15 words well... she is very good at repeating what you say to her... ( when she wants to...) she also started walking in december!!! YAY! and now runs and walks backwards all over the place! she has also in the last couple of days decided to like grass!! wooo she use to almost hyperventilate when we put her on the grass... :) But... I also have had to come to the conclusion that she was still quite behind... at tays 180 day evaluation I was informed she is functioning at around a 13 month level... It took all i had to stay composed as her support coordinator ( bless her heart as well) helped me recieve this information. It was from this meeting that she told me I needed to have tay evaluated for autism...For those that dont know I use to work with special needs children and adults... and use to say I always wanted to adopt a special needs child... well I do not need to now. One is plenty. Taylor also has seizures... so with these two diagnoses she qualifies for long term care, which helps her qualify for respite and habilitation.... So my point 2 years ago I wasnt even sure she was going to survive so If that means taking seizures and autism I will take it !!! Because we are blessed beyond everything Taylor Ann... you are an amazing little girl and Mommy and daddy love you with all our heart! so here it goes... 28lbs and 32 inches long!