Time to make a change...

All to often I think I forget to be thankful, I forget to be thankful for all that God has given me - to start He has given me an amazing husband, I do not use the word amazing lightly... He truly is amazing, supportive and even more just as grateful as I am. He has also given me our two beautiful daughters... Despite the struggles we have with Taylor she is a blessing, for taylor alone has taught me true happiness. Addyson has taught me patience. He has also blessed me with some amazing friends, who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I could list them, but I will not - due to forgetting someone.

Anyhow I am also thankful for special needs ministry... You see when I went to college in Tucson - I attended a church that was solely established for special needs kids and adults and their families... I thought this was a great idea and got involved in the ministry - not knowing at the time that God would bless me with a special needs child - NOW you are probably all saying HUH? he has blessed you? Yes, he has because without him giving me taylor - I would have kept living life in fast forward and never truly would have slowed down. Anyhow one of the men that really mentored me through my freshman year of college, contacted me today - after we have been communicating back and forth via email. Through tears and laughter I realized that even though I may never understand WHY, I know that I have the strength and support to get through the battles with Taylor. Good news is he was able to give me a list of 4 churches that have special needs ministry here in florida :) Guess its time to start looking and settling... Im tired of going though the motions of everyday life... I need and want something more!

Here is to hoping and praying that we can fit in somewhere here in the sunny state of Florida!!

Rock Bottom - or At least almost there...

I have always been strong when it has come to Taylor's therapies and her health problems... I have let a few tears fall every now and then, but for the most part I have held it together - Until last night... For some reason - people feel the need to say hurtful things like, Taylor is the way she is because of you... and it is your fault that she was born early - so deal with it and move on... First of all, these things are not okay to say to anyone - even your worst enemy... Second, do they really think I have not thought through these things and have insecurities when it comes to Taylor... Point is - almost 3 years ago, My body failed Taylor, my body decided it didn't want to be pregnant anymore and "failed" my daughter. Now whether or not this is true or not - It is something I have struggled with and will continue to struggle with... Last night nick and I had a long discussion about where we are at in our marriage, where the girls are at, and how the heck we push through this... the truth is all we figured out is that this is OUR life - and despite what everyone thinks including friends and family - we are the ones that have to live with decisions... We know that with my health and Nicks career that a extreme lifestyle change is needed... this includes diet and family exercise... ( I will just call this last part family bonding time.) When it comes to the girls - yes, I have to accept the fact that Taylor is behind and live with my decisions to work instead of putting her straight back into therapy - I can only hope that I did not do any damage in the decisions I made... But again I will have to live with them and no one else... Addyson will need to be in preschool when she turns 3 and although we have a ways to go with that, it really is right around the corner... there is so much going on right now - tomorrow will mark endless phone calls to dr's and developemental pediatricians.... therapists and hopefully answers... but its a start... and to answer everyone's question - yes I will be staying home, for the benefit of my family... Career on hold for now - and that folks is how I hit Rock bottom.

Fake or Real?!

Since we have moved to Florida, our lives have changed in more ways than one -

- Taylor's Seizure's have returned - and we are even more concerned and worried why they have returned... Her speech is improving but like with everything else we will have set backs and regression and with each seizure there is a regression in some form. She will never stop amazing us with her miracles - even the tiny ones... she is a blessing and we are blessed to be her parents.

- Addyson started walking - It saddens me that unlike Taylor who we have to teach every little thing to, addyson does things before we even get to teach her... I am thankful that we have one "normal" kid - but like I have said before countless times I am not sure there is a normal anymore... and if there is one, I dont know what it looks like. We will take whatever addyson wants to teach us - she has taught us a lot so has her sister. Patience is one of those teachings and I am reminded daily of it.

Nick re enlists here soon, and although I am not sure I can look back on the last 4 years and be "thankful" for all of it, I know there are times that I am certainly thankful he took the military career for instance the birth of both of our daughters - that would have been a heck of a medical expense... the countless medical problems Taylor and I both face, also the chance to prove our love and marriage is strong... being apart for the year while he did his tour in south korea proved time and time again that life makes love look hard, that nothing not even being seperated by oceans could change that. He is my soul mate, the love of my life, and my best friend... He is Nick - also with moving to florida came our 3 year wedding anniversary - whoa! Florida sure is crazy, but i am hoping that the military has a plan for us and we will follow nick wherever he is sent.

Me - Healthwise I am not so good, I see a cardiologist, neurologist, and my normal pcm... I take approx 7 pills daily but that hasnt stopped me... I am just reminded that there will always be Giants or mountains that I am going to have to climb and having the friends and family to support me will always be helpful. School and Career wise - Let me introduce to you the career college student, why yes I can not make up my mind it seems with what I want to do... I know I want to go to med school and I really would love to go to Harvard med but with recent health problems and the kiddos I think it is best for now to just stay home and focus on all that is on my plate. As hard as it is for me to not have my choice career I need to be thankful I do have two degrees and a husband who is willing to wait while I decide what it is I want to do. I love being home with the girls, but trust me the moment they go to school - it is this momma's time to focus on herself and her career. :)

I hope that this post finds you all well, and that the true friends I have are still kicking... Florida has brought out the best in me and has made me realize that "fake" is not okay - So Janine is here and if you do not like what I have to say then sorry - there is a delete button on fb and I will continue to all my friends to keep it real. :) xoxox