When I became a mother, no one and I mean no one could have prepared me for the immense joy I would feel the moment I held my baby for the first time, they also could not prepare me for the moment I would break their little heart with three very powerful words... "grandma passed away."
Do not get me wrong, I knew somewhat how being a parent would work - I imagined pinterest crafts, never yelling, clean house, kids who were bathed, dressed nicely and hair always done... Whoa was I in for a shock...
Kids are messy... first off. Second, I have two daughters - they both think that plaid goes with striped neon leggings.... whoa child hold up - I do not need you wearing that out in public...
What life did not prepare me for was the heartbreak and that heartbreak that would last for years to come. When I was 10 my dad said three words similar to what I shared with my own daughters... except it was my mom who had passed away. I remember feeling like I couldn't be sad because I did not want to upset my dad. I remember thinking if I just stay happy and try and be good she will come back.... little did my 10 year old brain know what death really meant...
So you can see that it came as a complete and utter system shock when my youngest who is 6 now, told me while driving, "mom, I can not talk to you about grandma because it makes you sad..." yes sweet girl you can, you have tons of people who love you and if you need to talk you talk...
Last night once we got home and settled in she came downstairs... I was trying to wrap my brain around how my 6 year old has so much fear and anxiety when at 6 she should not... she should be playing and being a kid... not thinking and talking about things that are so complex...
I was sitting on the couch, she came over and sat next to me and started sobbing... these tears were the kind where she was almost hyperventilating... I held her, as any mother would do - I held her. I told her she wasn't alone, that being sad, scared and even angry is perfectly okay... I held her for over an hour while she sobbed...
I reassured her that Grandma loved her very much - that she would be so proud of the sister and daughter she is today... that she would of loved to watch her flip at gymnastics but most of all I told her grandma is still with you - she is her guardian angel... she will always have someone on her side and she can talk to her... its okay... I also told her that it was not okay to just shut down... I would not allow it...she needed to talk to me or someone... that holding it all in was not going to help anything.
I think all to often as a society we brush these topics under the rug when it comes to grief... no one wants to talk about it. No one wants to admit that they are sad... Ive been there and I am still there... just recently 8 years after losing my father am I able to admit that I need help. What concerns me is that at 6 my daughter already has had to experience loss and that is just not fair.
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