When I became a mother, no one and I mean no one could have prepared me for the immense joy I would feel the moment I held my baby for the first time, they also could not prepare me for the moment I would break their little heart with three very powerful words... "grandma passed away."
Do not get me wrong, I knew somewhat how being a parent would work - I imagined pinterest crafts, never yelling, clean house, kids who were bathed, dressed nicely and hair always done... Whoa was I in for a shock...
Kids are messy... first off. Second, I have two daughters - they both think that plaid goes with striped neon leggings.... whoa child hold up - I do not need you wearing that out in public...
What life did not prepare me for was the heartbreak and that heartbreak that would last for years to come. When I was 10 my dad said three words similar to what I shared with my own daughters... except it was my mom who had passed away. I remember feeling like I couldn't be sad because I did not want to upset my dad. I remember thinking if I just stay happy and try and be good she will come back.... little did my 10 year old brain know what death really meant...
So you can see that it came as a complete and utter system shock when my youngest who is 6 now, told me while driving, "mom, I can not talk to you about grandma because it makes you sad..." yes sweet girl you can, you have tons of people who love you and if you need to talk you talk...
Last night once we got home and settled in she came downstairs... I was trying to wrap my brain around how my 6 year old has so much fear and anxiety when at 6 she should not... she should be playing and being a kid... not thinking and talking about things that are so complex...
I was sitting on the couch, she came over and sat next to me and started sobbing... these tears were the kind where she was almost hyperventilating... I held her, as any mother would do - I held her. I told her she wasn't alone, that being sad, scared and even angry is perfectly okay... I held her for over an hour while she sobbed...
I reassured her that Grandma loved her very much - that she would be so proud of the sister and daughter she is today... that she would of loved to watch her flip at gymnastics but most of all I told her grandma is still with you - she is her guardian angel... she will always have someone on her side and she can talk to her... its okay... I also told her that it was not okay to just shut down... I would not allow it...she needed to talk to me or someone... that holding it all in was not going to help anything.
I think all to often as a society we brush these topics under the rug when it comes to grief... no one wants to talk about it. No one wants to admit that they are sad... Ive been there and I am still there... just recently 8 years after losing my father am I able to admit that I need help. What concerns me is that at 6 my daughter already has had to experience loss and that is just not fair.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Its been awhile...
Hi guys!
Its been a while, a lot has happened here and a lot of catching up is in order.... First things first - this post will serve as a way to sort out everything that has happened...
Lets start with March 2016 - Nick and I made the decision o pull Taylor from school and enroll her in Arizona Connections Academy - an online school that is accelerated and has been a tremendous success with Taylor.
On May 8th I woke up to a zillion Happy Mother's day text messages and fb messages. I quickly sent one off to my own mum and one off to my mother in law... Messaged my sister in law and told her happy mothers day and decided I would get up and enjoy the girls for the morning. What I wasn't prepared for was my husband's phone ringing and an officer telling him his mother had passed away. I honestly do not remember much after he told me she had died. I remember grabbing what I could and getting in the car and driving to his sisters house as we all knew we needed to be together.
Jody was a mother to me - She was an amazing grandmother to her grandchildren and she always had something encouraging to tell me when I was having a rough day. In so many ways I wish I could have told her more often how much she meant to me...
Over the summer the girls enjoyed going to work with mommy, swimming and the movies. We welcomed a new member to our family Sara - she is an exchange student from Italy. We adore her and she is an amazing addition to our family. Poor Nick is outnumbered.
The girls are both doing connections academy this year, Taylor is in 2nd grade and Addyson is in Kinder.
Taylor is still taking piano and ballet and Addyson is our little olympian and is turning out to be a natural at gymnastics. We have decided for now Addy will focus on gymnastics and school. We won't add too much to her plate just yet.
Nick is still serving our country and is enjoying spending more time with the girls and I. I am still working part time as well as teaching the girls and obtaining my masters degree. We are busy but busy has been a blessing.
I hope that if you can all remember one thing, it is to tell those closest to you how much they mean to you and forgive often and love always!
Janine
Its been a while, a lot has happened here and a lot of catching up is in order.... First things first - this post will serve as a way to sort out everything that has happened...
Lets start with March 2016 - Nick and I made the decision o pull Taylor from school and enroll her in Arizona Connections Academy - an online school that is accelerated and has been a tremendous success with Taylor.
On May 8th I woke up to a zillion Happy Mother's day text messages and fb messages. I quickly sent one off to my own mum and one off to my mother in law... Messaged my sister in law and told her happy mothers day and decided I would get up and enjoy the girls for the morning. What I wasn't prepared for was my husband's phone ringing and an officer telling him his mother had passed away. I honestly do not remember much after he told me she had died. I remember grabbing what I could and getting in the car and driving to his sisters house as we all knew we needed to be together.
Jody was a mother to me - She was an amazing grandmother to her grandchildren and she always had something encouraging to tell me when I was having a rough day. In so many ways I wish I could have told her more often how much she meant to me...
Over the summer the girls enjoyed going to work with mommy, swimming and the movies. We welcomed a new member to our family Sara - she is an exchange student from Italy. We adore her and she is an amazing addition to our family. Poor Nick is outnumbered.
The girls are both doing connections academy this year, Taylor is in 2nd grade and Addyson is in Kinder.
Taylor is still taking piano and ballet and Addyson is our little olympian and is turning out to be a natural at gymnastics. We have decided for now Addy will focus on gymnastics and school. We won't add too much to her plate just yet.
Nick is still serving our country and is enjoying spending more time with the girls and I. I am still working part time as well as teaching the girls and obtaining my masters degree. We are busy but busy has been a blessing.
I hope that if you can all remember one thing, it is to tell those closest to you how much they mean to you and forgive often and love always!
Janine
Monday, October 7, 2013
UPDATE
So here is a quick update -
Nick - In his 6th week of classes - I could not be more proud at his determination to finish his degree. He juggles family life, work and school and makes it look effortless.
Taylor - Just when I thought school was not helping any, she comes home and writes her name almost perfect and I cried - now, to some this is not a big deal, but MY daughter can write her name. She is doing something on time and for that I am grateful. We have dropped down to once a week for therapies and go to ballet once a week - She enjoys dancing and I am pleased when I see her actually trying.
Addyson - oh my where do I start? This spit fire ball of energy has truly left me speechless. She is fully potty trained and for that I praise God. I honestly do not know how it happened, I didnt use a magic wand or reward to get her to potty - she just did it. We have been doing preschool prep for the last four weeks and she is doing amazing!
Me -
Well lets just say I have been chugging along. I am thankful for all the support over the last month. I needed it and while most of you do not know why, lets just say God has a strange sense of writing things on the wall. I have realized that I do not need approval from anyone. I am almost 25 and I am living my life the way I want to not to make anyone happy but myself.
Tomorrow we go to yet another eye Dr appointment and I can only pray it brings good news.
xoxoxo
Janine
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Patience is a virtue
This post has been sitting in microsoft word waiting for the right time to post -
As some as you know, I decided about a month ago that obtaining a Master's in Psychology was not really where I wanted to go... Don't get me wrong I love love love psychology and always will, however as the time came for Taylor to have her first Summer Break, I knew that I had to make a decision... Spend the whole summer stressing over every term paper and final exam or spend it with my two beautiful daughters getting lost at the beach and in the sun. I prayed hard about this decision - as I really was torn, I am career and education driven... often I have joked if I could make school a career I would. As the session came to a close for the spring, I was faced with a challenge that was greater than I could have ever imagined, Taylor's eye surgery... Seemed simple in my own head - I thought shoot surgery, the next week she would be jumping and playing and talking like normal... I was wrong - VERY wrong.
I quickly emailed my advisor and set up a meeting with him... Deciding to drop out of a master's program with a scholarship at stake was no easy task... I do want everyone to know, it was the RIGHT decision... Taylor and Addyson are only young once, as much as I would like to think that they would look back and be proud of me for accomplishing my Master's degree - I didn't want that to be the only thing that they remembered... Oh, we couldn't go to the park because mommy had to write a paper... etc.
I do not know where my education or career future is and that is perfectly okay - I feel that at this time, God has called me to be a mother and a wife. I plan on finding a job, but the more I look into daycare and gas prices the more I realize that it really is not financially possible to do at this time...and that is okay.
I write this blog for one of two reasons, one to keep everyone updated and the second reason so we might have some sort of record of what was going on that particular day/month/year.
As a few ( very few) of you know, recently I met a new friend - her daughter has Mitochondrial Disease... When I explained to her what was going on with Taylor, she informed me that it sounded like Mito... I admit when she told me this - I had absolutely NO idea what it was nor how a child gets such a disease. As soon as I got home the researching started... Family and Friends, Taylor fits the symptoms almost perfectly, it is scary. We have an appointment in March of next year ( i know forever a way..) to discuss everything with a developmental pediatrician who also agrees with our suspicions.Taylor has always tired easily, always had issues regulating her temperature especially in the summer... i am sad to say I thought it was normal. I thought we crammed too many therapies on her and she was just "tired." Taylor has many vitamin deficiencies which is a key symptom in Mito. At this time, Nick and I ask that you pray with us and for us, for Taylor that we get this figured out sooner rather than later.
Nick is returning to school to finish his Associates. Taylor goes back to school August 19th and Addyson and I will keep chugging along.
Love to all of you!
Janine
As some as you know, I decided about a month ago that obtaining a Master's in Psychology was not really where I wanted to go... Don't get me wrong I love love love psychology and always will, however as the time came for Taylor to have her first Summer Break, I knew that I had to make a decision... Spend the whole summer stressing over every term paper and final exam or spend it with my two beautiful daughters getting lost at the beach and in the sun. I prayed hard about this decision - as I really was torn, I am career and education driven... often I have joked if I could make school a career I would. As the session came to a close for the spring, I was faced with a challenge that was greater than I could have ever imagined, Taylor's eye surgery... Seemed simple in my own head - I thought shoot surgery, the next week she would be jumping and playing and talking like normal... I was wrong - VERY wrong.
I quickly emailed my advisor and set up a meeting with him... Deciding to drop out of a master's program with a scholarship at stake was no easy task... I do want everyone to know, it was the RIGHT decision... Taylor and Addyson are only young once, as much as I would like to think that they would look back and be proud of me for accomplishing my Master's degree - I didn't want that to be the only thing that they remembered... Oh, we couldn't go to the park because mommy had to write a paper... etc.
I do not know where my education or career future is and that is perfectly okay - I feel that at this time, God has called me to be a mother and a wife. I plan on finding a job, but the more I look into daycare and gas prices the more I realize that it really is not financially possible to do at this time...and that is okay.
I write this blog for one of two reasons, one to keep everyone updated and the second reason so we might have some sort of record of what was going on that particular day/month/year.
As a few ( very few) of you know, recently I met a new friend - her daughter has Mitochondrial Disease... When I explained to her what was going on with Taylor, she informed me that it sounded like Mito... I admit when she told me this - I had absolutely NO idea what it was nor how a child gets such a disease. As soon as I got home the researching started... Family and Friends, Taylor fits the symptoms almost perfectly, it is scary. We have an appointment in March of next year ( i know forever a way..) to discuss everything with a developmental pediatrician who also agrees with our suspicions.Taylor has always tired easily, always had issues regulating her temperature especially in the summer... i am sad to say I thought it was normal. I thought we crammed too many therapies on her and she was just "tired." Taylor has many vitamin deficiencies which is a key symptom in Mito. At this time, Nick and I ask that you pray with us and for us, for Taylor that we get this figured out sooner rather than later.
Nick is returning to school to finish his Associates. Taylor goes back to school August 19th and Addyson and I will keep chugging along.
Love to all of you!
Janine
Saturday, May 11, 2013
To my mother's....
Tomorrow marks an important day, Mother's day 2013. I am fortunate that I was blessed with TWO wonderful mothers, often times I tell people I had a mommy who raised me from a baby till when I was 10 and then I have a special mother who raised me through my teenage years and continues to raise me well into my adult years.
High School Graduation, I hope she can come when I graduate with my Masters.
When I became a mother on April 15, 2009, I remember Mum being there with me until I was out of recovery and into a room of my own. She cried with me, held me and told me it would all be okay when they rushed me in for an emergency C-Section, she even laughed with me where it was appropriate. Most importantly though she was there for me when I became a mother, something that may seem small had the biggest impact on my emotions and my love for her. She is always available to call/text/FB message/FaceTime/Skype whenever I needed advice on how to deal with a particular situation. She was even there when I found out I was pregnant again, this time with a second daughter, There was a fear in my voice, that I am sure she heard when I called to tell her the news, but none the less she was there comforting me, reassuring me, and even reminding me that this was a choice I had made.
This was our trip to Texas to see Mum Taylor is almost ONE here.
Here is a pic taken in the parking lot after Taylor was born
When I was admitted to the hospital to deliver Addyson, Mum was on the first flight that she could get on, She made it for Thanksgiving and even though Addyson was not born while mum was here, she was there when the Dr. came in and told me that Addyson's lungs were to immature to deliver, she held me why I screamed and cried that I was going to be pregnant forever - even made me take pictures with her, to savor the moments we got to spend together one last time before she moved to Australia.
Photo in the hospital while pregnant with Addyson
Photo taken when Mum visited while I was pregnant with Addyson
When Addyson was born, Mum saw her on Skype ( I will forever be grateful for Skype) thank you Auntie Raekhel, for making that happen. In less than a year, Mum will meet Addyson for the first time - three years later.
So here is to you Mum, A toast for sticking it out when I was a horrid teenager, oh and yes I was that teenager ( we are in trouble with two girls...) A toast for teaching me how to cook, do laundry and clean the house. A toast for always having advice, even if I do not want to hear it, A toast for believing in me when I did not believe in myself. A toast to your engagement, for finding happiness after daddy. A toast for a reunion super soon where you will get to see your beautiful granddaughters and me. Finally a toast for just being you.
I love you.
When I became a mother on April 15, 2009, I remember Mum being there with me until I was out of recovery and into a room of my own. She cried with me, held me and told me it would all be okay when they rushed me in for an emergency C-Section, she even laughed with me where it was appropriate. Most importantly though she was there for me when I became a mother, something that may seem small had the biggest impact on my emotions and my love for her. She is always available to call/text/FB message/FaceTime/Skype whenever I needed advice on how to deal with a particular situation. She was even there when I found out I was pregnant again, this time with a second daughter, There was a fear in my voice, that I am sure she heard when I called to tell her the news, but none the less she was there comforting me, reassuring me, and even reminding me that this was a choice I had made.
Here is a pic taken in the parking lot after Taylor was born
When I was admitted to the hospital to deliver Addyson, Mum was on the first flight that she could get on, She made it for Thanksgiving and even though Addyson was not born while mum was here, she was there when the Dr. came in and told me that Addyson's lungs were to immature to deliver, she held me why I screamed and cried that I was going to be pregnant forever - even made me take pictures with her, to savor the moments we got to spend together one last time before she moved to Australia.
Photo taken when Mum visited while I was pregnant with Addyson
When Addyson was born, Mum saw her on Skype ( I will forever be grateful for Skype) thank you Auntie Raekhel, for making that happen. In less than a year, Mum will meet Addyson for the first time - three years later.
So here is to you Mum, A toast for sticking it out when I was a horrid teenager, oh and yes I was that teenager ( we are in trouble with two girls...) A toast for teaching me how to cook, do laundry and clean the house. A toast for always having advice, even if I do not want to hear it, A toast for believing in me when I did not believe in myself. A toast to your engagement, for finding happiness after daddy. A toast for a reunion super soon where you will get to see your beautiful granddaughters and me. Finally a toast for just being you.
I love you.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Is this really God's plan? Or am I just pretending?
So about a month ago, Nick and I made a commitment to return to church - I think we were just tired of being stuck and really needed to seek out God and have His help in figuring out what we were meant to do. As most of you know, Nick got into some trouble at work and there for a while we were unsure where his career in the military was headed. This was a very stressful time and it still very much is. Nick has a pt test next month that will make or break him.
Anyhow, during the months of July, August, and September... Nick and I were forced to trust God and really re evaluate where we were in our faith and where our lives were going. It was around this time that we decided to give Church a try again. Now Nick and I were both raised Lutheran... However, we did not decide to go back to the Lutheran church - Not saying we are switching denominations, just where we are at in our walk with christ, we really needed to find a church that would take us where we were at and have the come as you are attitude.
Thus, began our journey at a methodist church near us, The children's program is very accomodating to Taylor and addyson and the come as your are worship service held in their gym is an all around rock out for jesus kind of experience.
So needless to say, Loud music and come as you are really drew Nick and Myself in.
Now we are at a point in our lives where we are questioning if this is all really God's plan for us - are we meant to stay military? Am I meant to finish my Masters? All of these questions and some have popped up in the last few months.
I think what really gets me still is Taylor. I mean, that is why I ran away from god. I did not understand that there was this God who loved me enough to give me the strength to rely on him to get us through everything with Taylor. I mean look at where we are at, 2 years ago, Taylor was not walking or talking. WE were in therapies and going strong but she was no where near where she needed to be.
Now 2 years later, she is still behind but man is she ever making excellent progress. Therapies three times a week, School starting in January. Its going to be a bumpy ride. But we have made it this far. And for that I am thankful.
So God, if this is your plan for our life, I thank you. For it truly has made me realize that life is not all glory and excitement... it is filled with challenges and heartache.
Have a blessed week :)
Anyhow, during the months of July, August, and September... Nick and I were forced to trust God and really re evaluate where we were in our faith and where our lives were going. It was around this time that we decided to give Church a try again. Now Nick and I were both raised Lutheran... However, we did not decide to go back to the Lutheran church - Not saying we are switching denominations, just where we are at in our walk with christ, we really needed to find a church that would take us where we were at and have the come as you are attitude.
Thus, began our journey at a methodist church near us, The children's program is very accomodating to Taylor and addyson and the come as your are worship service held in their gym is an all around rock out for jesus kind of experience.
So needless to say, Loud music and come as you are really drew Nick and Myself in.
Now we are at a point in our lives where we are questioning if this is all really God's plan for us - are we meant to stay military? Am I meant to finish my Masters? All of these questions and some have popped up in the last few months.
I think what really gets me still is Taylor. I mean, that is why I ran away from god. I did not understand that there was this God who loved me enough to give me the strength to rely on him to get us through everything with Taylor. I mean look at where we are at, 2 years ago, Taylor was not walking or talking. WE were in therapies and going strong but she was no where near where she needed to be.
Now 2 years later, she is still behind but man is she ever making excellent progress. Therapies three times a week, School starting in January. Its going to be a bumpy ride. But we have made it this far. And for that I am thankful.
So God, if this is your plan for our life, I thank you. For it truly has made me realize that life is not all glory and excitement... it is filled with challenges and heartache.
Have a blessed week :)
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Parenthood and an Update...
I will update you first -
Addyson - Growing, Growing, Growing... Weighing in at 28 lbs and 33 inches long - she is almost 2!! Where the heck did the last 2 years go? We are planning an Elmo party and I am sorta excited to make everything - a first for this mommy :) She is starting gymnastics soon and is overall just a joy to be around...
Taylor - Oh my this little ball of energy that she seems to have - has really kept this momma going and going and going... She truly keeps me grounded with patience and responsibility. Therapies two days a week and starting school sometime soon - where she will go full time 8 to 1 and this momma - although I never thought I would say it can have a break :) She is weighing in at 38 lbs and 37 inches... so she is a bit vertically challenged, but hey thats quite alright!
Nick - Extended till March of 2013 and then he will re enlist for 6 more years - He is going back to school and obtaining his bachelor's in aviation maintenance... Doing well - we wont weigh him in - as I am sure he would not appreciate it :)
Me - I am doing well, I got word yesterday that I can graduate May 2013 with my Master's in Psychology... I must admit I am a bit nervous - all of this work and it is about to be over in less than 9 months... I made the decision to stay home as I will be moving to Melbourne, Fl to finish out my internship ( requirement) at the school... Grad announcements will go out - and I hope to see all of you there :) I am excited to close out this chapter in my life and to finally start working in the career field I want to and around the girls schedules... :)
SO lets do this!!!
Okay on to parenthood - I have to share this with you as I got a good chuckle....
a young mother was in the ID office on base yesterday when an older woman asked her if she planned to have anymore kids - by the way the young mother is 18 and her daughter is almost 2... anyhow the young mother goes " heck no, no one told me how hard it would be to take care of an infant..." Really?! I agree its challenging being a mother, but I love it - the blessings these two girls give me is more than enough to make up for the challenges...
Addyson - Growing, Growing, Growing... Weighing in at 28 lbs and 33 inches long - she is almost 2!! Where the heck did the last 2 years go? We are planning an Elmo party and I am sorta excited to make everything - a first for this mommy :) She is starting gymnastics soon and is overall just a joy to be around...
Taylor - Oh my this little ball of energy that she seems to have - has really kept this momma going and going and going... She truly keeps me grounded with patience and responsibility. Therapies two days a week and starting school sometime soon - where she will go full time 8 to 1 and this momma - although I never thought I would say it can have a break :) She is weighing in at 38 lbs and 37 inches... so she is a bit vertically challenged, but hey thats quite alright!
Nick - Extended till March of 2013 and then he will re enlist for 6 more years - He is going back to school and obtaining his bachelor's in aviation maintenance... Doing well - we wont weigh him in - as I am sure he would not appreciate it :)
Me - I am doing well, I got word yesterday that I can graduate May 2013 with my Master's in Psychology... I must admit I am a bit nervous - all of this work and it is about to be over in less than 9 months... I made the decision to stay home as I will be moving to Melbourne, Fl to finish out my internship ( requirement) at the school... Grad announcements will go out - and I hope to see all of you there :) I am excited to close out this chapter in my life and to finally start working in the career field I want to and around the girls schedules... :)
SO lets do this!!!
Okay on to parenthood - I have to share this with you as I got a good chuckle....
a young mother was in the ID office on base yesterday when an older woman asked her if she planned to have anymore kids - by the way the young mother is 18 and her daughter is almost 2... anyhow the young mother goes " heck no, no one told me how hard it would be to take care of an infant..." Really?! I agree its challenging being a mother, but I love it - the blessings these two girls give me is more than enough to make up for the challenges...
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