dont make promises you cant keep...

yup its been a year... a whole year ... dad is gone i have to accept that... he is just not going to walk back in and make things easier again. I have to get over his death but everytime that I look at my daughter i see my dad... i see him in everything i do. its not fair, i should have never had to see both my parents gone before i turned 21... But im blessed beyond all words... i have a parent left, yup i got lucky and blessed i have three parents... even when i tried to push one of them away they stayed.

i am grateful for my husband who has stood by the tears the screams and even me telling him i didnt want to ever hold our daughter, boy am i glad i did!

what many of you dont know is that my father was suppose to be the first to hold Taylor Ann. My dad was my hero and I knew that I wanted him to be the first to have the blessing of holding Taylor... when that didnt happen and Taylor was born early, it took me a long time to allow anyone including family to hold her.

Dad was my hero.... now back to my title of this blog...
When my mother died at the age of ten dad promised me he would never leave me... NEVER.
I remember in this last year screaming and crying in anger that he PROMISED.
Nick reminded me though that he hasnt left me. He is looking out for me. and I believe it!
he held taylor first he was there when she was born and he will be there everyday for the rest of my life till we are reunited!

This week has been hard so far, but DAd i love you and miss you!

not so exciting anymore...

Funny thing that when you tell people you are leaving how they naturally push you away. I DID not choose where we go ... Nick has a wish list and the military chooses. I am ok with this life because i have to accept that I married him knowing that he is military.

I am also wondering why people come to me with all of their problems... but if I try to talk to someone about them i get denied and the subject is changed.

In three days it will be a year since my dad died. its funny how you think people will live forever when they promise you when you are ten that they will never leave you. And then one day you wake up and they are gone. n

next week i will go back to the dr... have a repeat ekg and then be referred to a cardiologist... how is it i cant escape... im eating healthy i exercise something inside me wants to blame getting pregnant but then i look at my taylor and realize that its not that.

a lot going through my mind. to much going through my mind

BIG news. I th

yesterday I went to the dr for some issues i was having with my lungs. Needless to say my lungs are fine my kidney is not.:(

Anyhow nick went with me and he had some mighty big news to tell me... he had orders to korea, and Taylor and I are on them! I was thrilled. We werent sure though if he was still deploying.

when he went back to work he talked to the cheif who said his deployment had been canceled. :) BIG BIG BIG prayer answered!

So yes I am excited to go to korea, excited to see another park of the world but even more so im excited that I get to spend the time with my husband and daughter!

WE dont choose where we go or even when the military is in control.
I think this is the hardest part to accept is leaving everything and everyone that i know and love very much to embark across the world on and adventure!

No more need to ask you to wake me up when september ends! wooohooo
ask and it shall be given unto you!

what am i gonna do?

So nick being the great husband he is, took my grocery list and taylor and headed out into the rain to tackle the groceries.

What am i suppose to do when he is gone? I suppose your all thinking go get it yourself. well u see the only reason he is going is because i have homework due at midnight and im sick. :( so he figured that i needed one quiet time and two not to go back out into the cold and rain while sick.

How nice of him... which is why i love him he is so caring!

so now i think to myself....

wake me up when september ends?

Harder on me? OR harder on Tay?

Im being selfish to think that this deployment is going to be harder on me then on tay.

He leaves the house she screams Da Da for twenty mins, He comes in the door she is all smiles. She loves him!

What am I suppose to do for 4 months when she says da-da? and I have to say nope not yet. That is going to be the hardest to see her face when I tell her he wont be home till the end of september...

Maybe its best if I ask you to wake us "both" up when September ends!

The good ole days

I know I know im to young to be saying that... but its true. I had a conversation with an old high school friend today over what she wrote in my year book... and i stopped. Realizing that i miss the carefree days of HS.

Instead now I am a mother to a 10 month old who I love with all my heart.
And married to a man im about to send off to war in may. Not so carefree anymore am i?

But as of today my husband is an expert at shooting an M-16 so I shouldnt fear right? I mean thats what people are saying... Just because some instructor who im sure is qualified to teach my husband how to shoot says he is expert doesnt mean I cant still be afraid and worry for him.

SO people who seem to think you know everything about military life when your not married into it or even apart of it at all, please oh so kindly dont tell me I dont need to worry.

instead all of my support I ask you to
please
Wake me up when september ends?