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this post doesnt have a name... i more or less just needed to put down some thoughts that have been running through my head the last couple of weeks- well 12 weeks to be exact...

1. I have hit the realization that I will no longer ever again be pregnant... I am however thankful for the two beautiful girls that God blessed me with, you just have to know that I am feeling regret and guilt.

2. I miss my parents ( all 3 of them) my dad would have had something clever to tell me and mom - well i am not sure what she would have done, and mum - what can I say she gives the best advice hands down.

3 with that being said my mum is by far the greatest and most heroic person to ever be apart of my life. She "saved" my life from going down a different path, without her I would not be the mother I am today!

4. I miss my husband. ( i know military spouses are suppose to be strong but really all i want to do is crawl inside my covers and keep crying till september. BUT I cant I have to be strong for my daughters who need to know that what their father is doing is heroic and he is sacrificing a lot)

5. I cant believe Addyson is almost 3 months old- this makes me really sad.

6. With that being said I can not believe that my first born daughter is going to be 2 in april and I am already planning her party!

7. why do i get stuck with all the medical problems??? Huh? Seriously did anyone ask me if I wanted all of this?!

8. with that being said I have the fear that I will too die young like my parents and not get to see my girls graduate from high school or college or even get married and one day ( years and years from now) make me a grandma!

9. I have a jealousy inside of me when other women find out they are pregnant or have the opposite sex. I know I know really Janine? Jealousy? yep pure envy.... sorry ladies!

that is it for now- thanks for letting me vent blog world!

xoxox janine