Spinal.

So friends - I get to tackle a MRI again. I know, right?! The Neurologist thinks that the spinal I had with addyson is causing me some issues.... Well who would have thought - afterall my body hates being pregnant. So for now i will go through another round of tests to see what they can find - and then hopefully have an outcome - goodnews is that the tingling I have can be controlled by medicine. Whats one more pill?!

Anyhow I will continue to fight for myself and for my daughters :)

Have a great day!!

Daddy.

*** I am writing this post a little early. ***

On March 31st it felt like a normal morning - I woke up ate some breakfast, drank some water and went about studying for some upcoming tests... Nothing could have prepared me for my husband walking in the door at 8 am, to tell me that my father had passed away. I remember yelling at him, I remember throwing things and I even remember screaming at the top of my lungs like a crazy person. I called mum and told her that everyone was lying to me - that my father was going to be home that I was just in a dream...

It wasn't.

Pregnant with his first granddaughter - I felt like I had been betrayed. I remember traveling in the car to Mt.Pleasant listening to my I pod the whole way so I didnt have to deal with listening to anyone. I Can still feel the overwhelming emotion as I stood at the back of the church and stared into where my father was - I wanted to run, I wanted to scream that everyone needed to leave - we werent going to do this funeral, not today not ever....

Three years later - I am slowly learning to deal with not having my father here. He was my hero - He taught me hard lessons, he taught me that to always do my best at whatever I do. He was the first one I called when I found out I was pregnant, He was the first one I called when ever anything happened. In a sense, he was my best friend... although I now know that a parent is never a best friend... but that cant mean that they are not a best parent.

Dad, I miss you - as I look back on the last three years I can see where you have blessed me in many ways - You have two beautiful granddaughters, your son is about to get married, mum is engaged and happy again, and Nick is excelling in his career. You are always with us - even if I can not physically be with us.

So, I ask that you all bear with me this week - it is a hard time for me.... You never really get over the death of a parent, you just learn to live with it.

To My boys...

I had hopes and dreams for you, Although I was shocked and scared as hell when I found out that i was pregnant with you... I had them. I had a hope that you would both be successful individuals, that you would love your sisters and fight with them, that you would leave your matchbox cars out in the floor and I would trip on them... See I had dreams.

Yesterday you both surprised us with leaving this world ( even in my womb ) to join Jesus and all the angels in Heaven. Part of me is jealous because your grandfather and grandmother got to hold you first. Then part of me is glad that you are being taken care of.

I know that when it is the right time we will be blessed with a son - now is not that time. For I am thankful, I get a little extra time loving the two beautiful children that I have. To focus on them, to help them fulfill their dreams and goals. We do plan on one day having a third child, by whatever means neccesary ... Despite what a lot of people thought this time around, I was healthy enough to carry a child - all of my medical conditions were under control... and I knew that although I was scared that it would all be okay.

Nick and I have heavy hearts. I dont think anyone should ever have to go through a miscarriage - I have had a few people tell me, well its not like you knew the baby... you didnt get to see them. Any mother - when they find out that they are pregnant - Immediatly become attached and have a strong bond with their unborn child.

So rest in peace, Alexander Michael and William Scott. For only the good die young. <3

RIP Michael Alex and William Scott.

sad day.

What to expect...

So in the last week Nick and I have received shocking and exciting news... To start

MY MUM is getting MARRIED, again. I am so ecstatic for her, that I literally have been doing a happy dance for the last 24 hours. But with the excitement comes fear, Fear that I will lose another parent, remember when dad remarried? 10 years later he passed away... I know everyone dies one day... but what if in 10 years I lose mum, the only parent I have left? But once again the excitement trumps the fear, and she knows how much I love her despite are disagreements, and the years of me torturing her. :) I love you mum... and welcome Geoff into our crazy family. :)

So here goes the shocking news....

We are expecting our third ( hopefully a son) sometime between July and September assuming the pregnancy goes as planned. I was very hesitant to announce it openly, however whether i miscarry or the pregnancy goes wonderful, I felt that the support from all of my friends and family might be helpful. It has been very hard for me to be excited about this pregnancy 1) I was on BIRTH control, 2) I am just getting into a routine with Taylor and Addyson, and 3) I have no idea how to parent 3 kids let alone 2... But obviously we did everything possible to prevent another kid...God has a plan, I am certain... So at this point all we can do is trust that He knows that this is right for our family.

I will update as I know more and hopefully which ever way this pregnancy goes Nick and I will learn a valuable lesson - that is to never say never. :)

Parenting a special needs child.

So, I know that on many occasions I have bit my tongue when a parent of a typical child does something development wise on time... I want to say, "so? Who cares? I enjoy the challenges that Taylor gives to us."

The truth is this, I hate seeing posts on FB or hearing about them, I am jealous simple as that. Im jealous even to the point that people have normal pregnancies and then have babies who hit each milestone and the parents have the energy and the time to post videos and pictures all of the time. Dont get me wrong, I am great friends with several people who have normal kids.

I attend therapy after therapy with Taylor as well as numerous dr appointments.

Currently we are potty training Taylor and as much as I want to believe that this is finally the time, I must admit I have my doubt... I keep waiting for Taylor to prove me wrong. To stop going potty, Just something... and its wrong... I know it is. But after living for 3 years now in challenge mode it is hard to not make everything a challenge.

So there you have it folks, Janine spoke her mind.