Florida.

As I sit and reflect on the last year I am shocked. Holy Crap I just survived our first "deployment" why yes I got to fly here and spend time with my husband and see where he has been living...

I remember when he first left I cried for days. Not in front of the girls but when they were asleep or busy I would cry... I felt so alone and sleeping alone was horrible those first couple of weeks. But as everyone told me I soon got into a routine and those first 4 months flew by. Then he was home for Addyson's birth and then gone right after we brought her home... I remember then not being able to control my emotions but I stayed strong for the girls. 7 months later I got the opportunity to fly to see him and we took it. Here we are now, and as much as everything I have experienced this last year that was horrible that everyone said I needed my husband home... I am glad he wasn't, i know you are saying "what?" I proved that I was strong, that I am a military wife who is here supporting him ...

Now as I sit here- crying in front of Taylor... She looks at me and said " mommy, no sad." When I said I am not ready to leave daddy again... she said "I okay." This sweet sweet girl has helped me to stay strong in more ways then one. But the surprise of our little conversation was... when she said "momma, i no leave daddy..." <--- this is what got my tears really going. If only sweet girl if only we could take him with us now.

Here it goes one last goodbye- its only for 3 1/2 weeks but it is still a goodbye and that is the difficult part despite any time apart.

Here is to being strong again!

Arizona.

So last night I finally came to reality. In 6 short weeks we will be leaving Arizona for good. I am not sure how I feel at this point as I only have 5 weeks left there once I get back...Here is a list of reasons I really dont want to leave...

It is the last place I saw my father alive.
It is where i gave birth to both girls...
It is where the two therapists that really deserve the most credit are - they helped Taylor sooo much and I will forever be grateful for them!
It is where Nick and I got married.
It is where Nicks family is.
It is where my nephew is and we are going to miss out on seeing him grow

But most of all it is where my support system is at. I couldnt have made it through this last year without all of you and you know who you are!

So yes to answer everyone's question I am GRATEFUL I am here with Nick but it is important I get back as in 5 short weeks we will be leaving Arizona and there is SOOOO much to do!

So see you all after I get back on the 26th of this month!!

Love

Vent.

Yup I get to see my husband in 9 days or so... and yup I am gonna smile like I havent in a while! After the last 10 months I have come to a realization that I really only have a handful of true friends... and even then I realize that only a couple would actually be considered true.

HERE IT GOES... ( If I offend you well maybe you should not have pissed me off.)

I dont bend over backwards for just anyone... I felt that I could help you and yet that wasnt good enough... But you know I guess I am just not as needy as you.

Yes My husband is serving our country and yes I am damn proud of him but when he has only seen his second daughter for 2 weeks and she is already 6 months old I am sorry yes I will take the opportunity to fly with two kids so he can enjoy her before she becomes a toddler. You just had the chance to see your significant other not to long ago, my husband and the father of our children has not had personal contact with us for almost 7 months... yes this is the military and I would go another year if this opportunity was not presented to us. So dont ask for sympathy that you miss your boyfriend when hey sorry I havent got to hug my HUSBAND in 6 months. Really thats all I want after this horrible year ( well it wasnt that bad.) of Cancer, Taylors special needs, and the birth of Addyson * which wasnt horrible* I just really could have used my husband here. So yes me flying to see him is needed ... even if he comes home in september!

I have enjoyed this last year as I truly feel like I have finally been a mother to two beautiful girls... I have had to take on all the responsiblity of them and I love it! More importantly when I step off that plane in south korea and I know that I just accomplished a 13+hour travel with two kids by myself please dont even talk to me.

I love you Nick and I can not wait to see you!!

Update.

Taylor- down to 20 lbs and still slowly eating on her own terms... I have never been more scared nor nervous for what is to come with her... I hope I am trying my best but you never know. She is approx 32 inches tall and is slowly putting words together to form sentences!

Addyson- Oh my this little baby girl is growing so fast!! 6 months old and weighs 11 lbs and is 30 inches long :) Sitting and rolling are her favorite things :) She is a grabber... plays with toys she can grab and eat... def more of a smiley happy baby then tay was. :)

Nick- 96 days left... He is so ready to see his little girls again and of course spend time with his wife! he is even more excited that we are flying to see him in 11 days!!

Janine I am doing alright... tired as hell but I love these kids and bedtime is me watching my precious angels sleep! I have had my round of friends lately... I bend over backwards for people to just be slapped in the face... Some never talk to me others talk to me and then do stuff behind my back... If only i had the nerve to delete people and erase them from my future. All I can say is watch out .... You will have no friends left if you continue to do so... another thing recently that has been irritating me is I have a few friends that are married military or they are dating military and they have the nerve to say i want my significant other out of the service... I say leave them alone that is their career and if they told you to end your career you would be mad. You knew they were in the service so suck it up. :)

I love that I have had this experience for it really has taught me the greatness of being a mother.. I use to rely on nick to help with everything and now I dont have to because I know I can do it my self. I love my life

I think I need to put my future on hold.

So as I type this I am in tears, not because I will have to put my future on hold but because Taylor is regressing and there is nothing I can do about it. We are back to only mushy foods and though we are making progress with an open cup she seems to be taking steps backwards with her feedings.

With Taylors diagnosis of Autism I knew that there would be many obstacles that we would have to cross... did I ever think a 30 hour + intensive therapy would be one of them? NOT at all, But now as I sit here and am weighing the pros and cons... It really can only help her Right? As of now we already have 5 therapies a week... Developemnt, physical, Ot, Speech, and now feeding on fridays... Someone please tell me that this is not going to last forever that my beautiful girl is going to grow out of this what seems like a neverending nightmare!

I have fears.... one day Addyson will pass taylor and I wont know how to respond to it. I have a fear that all of this therapy is going to be to much for taylor and she is going to regress even further. I have a fear that the stress it is taking on my body wont be good...

I need Nick back, this super mom is done doing this alone.

Alligators,Hurricanes,& a Beach...

Yuppp if by now you have not guessed it we are headed to the great state of Florida! I told my mother in law when I missed Nick's call earlier that either we got orders or he is going TDY... either one would be fine I just needed to know! well a very slow 30 mins later he called back and said..... we are going to florida ( he stated which base but for safety and security purposes I will not be posting it.) All I could say was YAY! I was relieved that his report no later date was october 11th which meant that HE WILL DEF BE HOME IN SEPTEMBER!

I wanted to cry tears of joy and as I type this I am... It is hard for me to leave this wonderful state... but its time to move on with our lives and start fresh... ( no drama, no family, and just the 4 of us together at last!) this does not mean that I will not miss everyone here.... but we are military we move thats life!

Now whether to be anxious, nervous, or stressed.... for now the fun starts! Thank God we dont have to house hunt ( nick and I have an agreement that we will never live off base... the community and friends that we make on base is 100 times better than when we lived off base! ) Plus the great thing is we dont have to worry about anything!

I am so thankful for the last 8 months for it has taught me sacrifice and strength... for all who told me I would never make it through this separation can I laugh at you now or later?


Oh and I have never and I will never cheat on my husband and HE DOES NOT HIT ME... please drama driven people get out of my life!

ATTENTION... This post may make some mad...

So it was brought to my attention numerous times that I have had a pretty rough time since nick has been gone... Here is just a quick list..
1. I gave birth to our daughter a week later Nick left for the second time.
2. I fought and conquered post partum depression.
3. I found out that I have stage one ovarian cancer.
4. Taylor was diagnosed with seizures.
5. Taylor was diagnosed with Autism
6. I have kidney stones/kidney infection and I am looking at surgery possibly.
7. My only parent left moved back to her home country leaving me "alone" without any parent physically here.

Now most people have been a huge support ( anissa, Kate, Katy, Sylvia, Erikka, and family!) But I still get the occasional eye roll when I post that I wish Nick could have been here for a holiday or a birthday or even just make it back by our anniversary! What gets me the most is not once have I complained about how I cant do this without him or I NEED him ( sure at first I did ... but only to close friends and family) I also do not count down the days for this to me seems like it makes it go slower... sure maybe the weeks and when we get to 7 days I will but right now there is like a million days left and I dont feel like counting. lol

what I am trying to say in this blog is that I do miss nick just because I dont post about it on fb all the time does not mean I dont... I am sooo thankful for his sacrifices... and lets agree he is sacrificing a lot! and I will not lie that I dont think to myself or cry at night once the girls are asleep because the battles Im facing on a daily basis seem so big and yes I have God... but sometimes I think to myself my husband would be nice... even if it is just a hug.

So please stop telling me that I dont need to complain everyday and I need to be proud and stand by him because I am. But if you notice the list above thats alot in one year... let me tell ya!

If I have offended anyone I am sorry.

where did those 3lbs 11 oz of sweetness go?

Whoa! I can not even begin to tell you all how saddened yet excited yet frightened yet terrified I am for Taylor to turn 2! When she turned 1 I thought to myself this will get easier each year... I was way wrong... I blinked and she is almost 2... I can not believe that 2 years ago today I was not even imagining my daughter would be born 9 weeks early nor did I think she would almost die in the NICU... But Nick and I are blessed extremely blessed. In fact 2 years ago today I was still trying to process the fact that my father had passed away... I am going to repeat Taylor's birth story and catch you all up-to-date on what is going on 2 years later! so here it goes... On april 14th I woke up to what I thought was just slight cramping... I drank a glass of water and laid on my left side, when that didnt work I decided to just get up and get going with my day... I think I cleaned our apartment and did some laundry and that is when I noticed it yet again ... that annoying cramping although now it was getting way worse... it was close to dinner time so I figured I will eat and then just go to sleep... When I started leaking fluid an hour later I looked at Nick and said something is not right... I wasnt entirely sure because obviously taylor was my first baby and first pregnancy... but I knew that I needed to call my dr and see what he thought... I didnt even get everything out before he told me to go straight to labor and delivery triage at arrowhead hospital... Now with nick having to take time off for my fathers funeral we were not going to even ask them to let him go until they said the baby was coming... So my awesome and amazing friend kate came with me to the hospital and bless her heart sat with me through what happened next... I was immediatly admitted- my bp was extrememly high and I was in labor... a couple of labs and a urine later I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia... I was rushed into being put on magnesium sulfate ( this medicine is evil...) and also place on strict you are not getting out of bed bed rest. I was also not allowed to eat... which I thought was extrememly cruel but I was to out of it to even care... I do remember kate not eating anything either and sitting there holding me as I cried that it was to soon... When the neonatologist came in to inform me that he would be Taylor's dr I was terrified... I asked him what did he mean my daughter will be in the hospital... I was clueless and drugged. when my ob came in the following morning and nick had finally made it to the hospital ( he was asleep for this part...) and told me that they needed to deliver as soon as possible other wise taylor and i could die... I started screaming and crying for nick to wake up ... I dont really remember anything more at that point except all family was called and kate came back to the hospital... ( she had gone home to shower...) when they told me they were transfering me to banner thunderbird I looked at nick and kate and begged for one of them to please be allowed to ride in the ambulance with me... well Nick had to go to meet all the family at thunderbird and kate bless her again came with me... I dont remember much except kate holding her hand on my head and the nurse kept saying are you feeling your contractions? then it was go time and I honestly do not remember anything after getting wheeled into the OR. Now fast forward to now... Taylor has had speech therapy and she approx. says around 10-15 words well... she is very good at repeating what you say to her... ( when she wants to...) she also started walking in december!!! YAY! and now runs and walks backwards all over the place! she has also in the last couple of days decided to like grass!! wooo she use to almost hyperventilate when we put her on the grass... :) But... I also have had to come to the conclusion that she was still quite behind... at tays 180 day evaluation I was informed she is functioning at around a 13 month level... It took all i had to stay composed as her support coordinator ( bless her heart as well) helped me recieve this information. It was from this meeting that she told me I needed to have tay evaluated for autism...For those that dont know I use to work with special needs children and adults... and use to say I always wanted to adopt a special needs child... well I do not need to now. One is plenty. Taylor also has seizures... so with these two diagnoses she qualifies for long term care, which helps her qualify for respite and habilitation.... So my point 2 years ago I wasnt even sure she was going to survive so If that means taking seizures and autism I will take it !!! Because we are blessed beyond everything Taylor Ann... you are an amazing little girl and Mommy and daddy love you with all our heart! so here it goes... 28lbs and 32 inches long!

2 years.

Nothing could have prepared me for this day 2 years ago... Nick came home from work to tell me my father had passed away... I thought it was a joke and I still do. I was pregnant with his first granddaughter at the time and I remember thinking to myself No one will ever hold her you see dad was to be the first to hold her when she was born... Little did I know at the time he wouldnt be here to hold her... I kept myself busy today I did laundry - lots of it! Played with the girls and talked to Nick... but Now as I stop for the night I realize that he is really gone and no amount of laundry is going to change that... My father was a clever man and a sarcastic one at that... while i was pregnant he called me moink and I will never ever forget the excitement in his eyes when he made that up... you would have to know him to realize that it was not an insult... He may not be here to celebrate the accomplishments or hold me through the tough times but he is still here... I feel him in everything that I do and hear his voice with every decision I make! he was an amazing father and husband. I just wish I could move on instead of living in regret and saddness. I miss you daddy I will always be your little girl!

my father, my hero

2 years ago on March 30th my father passed away...Some of you are probably saying i know I know... but I really just need to get out what I am feeling... Here is a a list not in chronological order of what has happened in the last 2 years that dad has not been here in person to see... 1. the birth of his first grandchild- Taylor Ann 2. My graduation from the university of arizona... 3. Nicks first "deployment" - man did I need him here for this one! 4. The birth of his second grandchild- Addyson Lynn 5. My graduation from Grand Canyon University 6. Taylor's first birthday 7 My 21st birthday and my 22nd 8. My decision to go to medical school to become a neonatologist. these are just events in our lives that has happened... Man do I miss him... I def took him for granted while he was here... said things I didnt mean... so hard to remind myself he is really gone... it is true that a daughters first love is their father... Daddy I miss you and love you more than you will ever know!!

Update

It has been hectic,crazy, and almost insane how much is going on right now! Here is a quick update on everyone!

Addyson-
she is getting sooo big! 13 lbs roughly and wearing 6 month sleepers because she is soooo tall! She is content sleeping in her swing which is causing the battery industry to gain a lot of income! Smiling and cooing she is adorable and growing way to fast! Its almost hard to believe that she will be 4 months on April 1st- almost like a cruel april fools joke!

Taylor-

we have had a lot of excitement in the last week- We had known that Tay had been having petite mal seizures but never did I ever think she would have a full blown seizure ( grand mal) I have never been more scared nor had so much adrenaline - I didnt even think about what was happening I went into mother mode and all that mattered was that she was okay.... thus started our 2 day stay in the hospital most of it tay spent sedated. They ran an eeg and a MRI and both came back normal which meant no seizure disorder! I was glad and relieved but at the same time I needed to know what was causing the seizures. When we left the hospital I didnt want to put her on medication yet due to the risks... But when she had a seizure on the way home and then another one yesterday before nap and then another one last night I didnt think twice before I called the neurologist and requested the medicine... He took another look at the mri and called me back late last night to let me know something that has changed our lives... she has fluid built up around her brain... from when her head was deformed when she was an infant... I am outraged... her pediatrician told us all along that she didnt need to be seen that it was all cosmetic and our insurance would not cover it... I wonder now if they will cover it? grrr.... so friday we are off to the hospital for them to drain the fluid around her brain... Im not allowed back and I have been informed that if something goes wrong they will be rushing her into surgery... so prayers please for friday! They have also said since her brain has not stopped growing they can not put a temporary drain tube in. so this means that every 2 months we will have to go in for them to drain the fluid. Thus, this also means she will be in therapy at least till she is in 4th grade if not longer... I am trusting God through all of this that he will help me take care of my baby girl! She is a fighter has been from day 1 and I know that she will continue to fight!

Nick-
Officially tests for staff on the 12th of May just 2 days before we get there! I can not wait for us to be a family again even it is only going to be 3 weeks...

Me-
I had my wisdom teeth removed on friday and I am still slowly beginning to eat again... it was a little more painful then I thought it would be...

Alright that is all for now! talk soon!

update.

I feel like i have been extrememly busy as of lately... maybe its drs appt's or the fact that I am a Aunt! I dont know what it is... but I have not really thought about blogging!

so here is the run down-

Addyson- is doing excellent sleeping about 6 to 8 hours at night :) She is currently sleeping and for that I am grateful!

Taylor- oh where to start?! Just when I think things are looking up with this kid we get thrown through a loop... Tay is still quite behind for her age according to her therapists... She was also diagnosed with "pemal" seizures... lovely. She has also apparently inherited the kidney issue and most likely only has one :( oops. But depsite the negative stuff she is a loving "terrible" taylor :) oh how the age of 2 and 3 are going to be a blast!!

Nick- is doing excellent! Not much else to report here!

Me- Well the one thing that i had been trying to avoid was my wisdom teeth having to be removed... well my luck they are coming out friday the 18th and I am sooo terrified. But I will survive! the week after that I will be going in to have the cancer scraped off... fun stuff. :( not ... as long as they can get it all and dont see anymore there will be no need for chemo! yay so pray for that!!!

well its time to get tay ready for dinner and what not! have a great week !!

...

this post doesnt have a name... i more or less just needed to put down some thoughts that have been running through my head the last couple of weeks- well 12 weeks to be exact...

1. I have hit the realization that I will no longer ever again be pregnant... I am however thankful for the two beautiful girls that God blessed me with, you just have to know that I am feeling regret and guilt.

2. I miss my parents ( all 3 of them) my dad would have had something clever to tell me and mom - well i am not sure what she would have done, and mum - what can I say she gives the best advice hands down.

3 with that being said my mum is by far the greatest and most heroic person to ever be apart of my life. She "saved" my life from going down a different path, without her I would not be the mother I am today!

4. I miss my husband. ( i know military spouses are suppose to be strong but really all i want to do is crawl inside my covers and keep crying till september. BUT I cant I have to be strong for my daughters who need to know that what their father is doing is heroic and he is sacrificing a lot)

5. I cant believe Addyson is almost 3 months old- this makes me really sad.

6. With that being said I can not believe that my first born daughter is going to be 2 in april and I am already planning her party!

7. why do i get stuck with all the medical problems??? Huh? Seriously did anyone ask me if I wanted all of this?!

8. with that being said I have the fear that I will too die young like my parents and not get to see my girls graduate from high school or college or even get married and one day ( years and years from now) make me a grandma!

9. I have a jealousy inside of me when other women find out they are pregnant or have the opposite sex. I know I know really Janine? Jealousy? yep pure envy.... sorry ladies!

that is it for now- thanks for letting me vent blog world!

xoxox janine

Time for a change-

Do you ever realize that you just need a change? I am... I have been having migraine headaches that have all but made me look like a walking zombie. But through this all I have truly learned who my friends are... Krista has willing come up from tucson to go with me to numerous appointments... others tasha and jenn have offered words of encouragement... and Erikka and Kate you two honestly keep me going.

So here is to "purging" friends that no longer seem to have time to even text me or anything. The relationship works both ways... I am no longer going to be the only one to initiate conversation, for really when it comes down to it... I dont have time.I have time to make for friends who have time to make for me.

anywho-

update!!!!!

Addyson weighs in at 11 lbs even and is 22 inches long!!! wooo

taylor is walking and talking up a storm!!! and POTTY TRAINING!

Nick is well and Im on my way there!!

hope you are all well!

Military Life

You always here about military spouses cheating and leaving their spouses while they are on deployments...

Im not that girl/woman... my husband is gone yes but I will not be the one to cheat. I cant stand hearing the stories from friends about who cheated on who. I also get annoyed when people complain about their marriage and the fact that their husband is gone... get over it... seriously you knew that he would be gone when you married him and you knew that it would happen. So suck it up and deal with it or dont be married to the military.

I also get annoyed when spouses tell their fellow partner that they think they need to change their career. ( get out of the military etc...) Really? Come on if Nick told me Janine I do not want you to do what you love and help others ... I would laugh and tell him thats to bad... Nick and so many others are fighting for our freedom... they arent just working long hours and spending up to a year away from their families because they think its fun... they do it because they know that a sacrfice needs to be made in order to protect our freedom.

I am fortunate enough to have several friends that have told me over and over I have every right to complain about my husband being gone... but really all I can do is tell them how proud of my husband I am. Yes I have to deal with medical problems and two young children without him here. But such is our life right now! I wouldnt change it...

Yes I do miss my husband but he is making one hell of a airman! I love you babe! and we are all proud of you!!!

looking forward...not backwards.

2 years ago I would have never dreamed that I would be bringing 2 kids into the world - let alone 2 girls. Nor did I ever imagine that both of them would be premature. But such is life and God has a plan through it all.

So here is a quick update -

Addyson-
Weighing in at 10 lbs 3 oz she is doing good. ( I cant say great, because we are having issues with her feedings.) She sleeps almost all the time and only cries when I make her mad ( changing her clothes/diaper or giving her a bath.) She lost all of her hair on the top of her head making her look like a bald old man... but it is growing back slowly!

Taylor-
where do i begin with this child? Terrible twos? Nah she is just Taylor ( thats all I can say when anyone asks how she is...) she walks/runs all over the place now - will talk your ear off if you let her and is doing very well with her therapies. You really would have never known she was born 9 weeks early unless you asked.

Nick-
is doing good. Studying to take his test to make staff sgt. He works crazy hours and is looking forward to our family being together again.

Me-
well lets just say I have been better. My BP is out of control and they cant seem to get it under control. I go back to work next week and although I am excited to finally dive in and use both my degrees im sad to leave the girls for 8 hours every day. I do however get to be at home mon, wed, and thurs with tay for half of the day while she has therapy.

So its off to finish the laundry and skype with Nick for now. the work of a mother is never done!