"this is me..."

The last two days proved to myself that I need a better outlet for my stress - I had a complete breakdown and for those around me it probably scared the shit out of them ( excuse my language) I am usually a heck of a lot stronger - I may let some tears fall every now and then but for the most part I hold things together for the sake of my husband and my children...
I thought that "getting a break" from my children would help - however I believe as well as Nick that it was my breaking point - at a critical time, after a stressful week I tried to run away from it all and ended up doing more damage to myself emotionally.... Taylor may be behind, Addyson may be growing up a little to fast, and Nick may be at a point in his career where his decisions affect our family as a whole... But its my choice to keep it all inside and thats not always a good thing.
So for now I am taking a step back from being a friend first... I put a lot ( not everything) Cause honestly I did that one to many times in my life so far and it ended up biting me in the butt.

I love you all.

Cheating, Husbands, and kids... WARNING this post will make some mad.

So a lot of crap has happened in the last couple of weeks as I have mentioned before it has all made me thankful for Nick... even more than I already was. But now I am going to touch on a topic that most people would never dare touch - but with my backgroud in social work I have a heart that breaks everytime I hear this story...

Typical 2 year olds know what is going on around them they know that their parents are not happy... with that said it breaks my heart when children tell me they do not want to go home because daddy and mommy fight all the time. I cant stress enough how important it is to not fight around your children...

Im not saying this is easy... it is hard I know firsthand... I can be irritating and at the same time my husband can be annoying ( shocking I know right?!) But we always talk quietly or wait till nap time to talk... if it is going to turn into a arguing match we usually just cool off first... Now I know that is not possible for everyone to do - but please make sure you both as it is your responsibility as parents to take care of your children that you make sure they are okay afterwards and if they want to talk to you about what happened then talk... dont tell them it is not their buisiness they are a part of your family and deserve the right to know and try and understand what is happening with mommy and daddy...

Just this last week Taylor came up to me and told me "i am not happy..." Shocked I had to control my own emotions and ask her why... all she could tell me was daddy and when I asked if it was that we had to move she says yes... With that being said that opened a door for me to talk to my daughter about her feelings and let her know that she doesnt always have to be happy - I think all to often we forget that our children have feelings...

So i leave you with this - listen to your children...

Then you STAND.

For about a week now I have been struggling - positive Janine on the outside and negative Janine on the inside - Many people do not know this ( until now ) when something is really bothering me I keep it inside - only select people ( my husband ) know how to break the barrier to get inside and figure out what is wrong...

Lately I have been struggling with Taylor and Addyson... I have struggled with the fear that I will leave them before they are grown... I struggle with accepting Taylor and her challenges ( shocking - if you have something to say here - please do...) then I have guilt that we brought Addyson into our family and the challenges... But in the end I get back to I am thankful...

I think from all of my studies from college that I am struggling with a certain type of grief and I am having problems moving through the stages... I read a great book just recently titled Shouting At God - If I could link this I would - It really opened my eyes and has made me think... in a good way.

I think that in time the wounds will heal and I will be able to be happy but for now till friday after her therapies I just need to be me for a bit - not helping everyone else because when it comes down to it - How can I help others if I cant help myself and my own family?

xoxoxo

What is love? ( in the words of Janine...)

To me love means sacrifice - It means being willing to set aside your own goals for someone else... It means taking time to truly understand the individual that you love... For my daughters it means loving unconditionally - something that I never thought was possible until Taylor was born... Its having your heart broken and then mended time and time again... It means to forgive and move on - not dwell on the past... It means with every goodbye there is a hello around the corner... it means going to bed happy and at peace, not angry... It means when I say always and forever that I mean it and will forever love you.

I am blessed to be married to an amazing man who time and time again has shown me what true love is - he has been by myside when others would have walked away... that is true love. <3

I am blessed to have two beautiful daughters and one day I am sure they will use the words I hate you ... but in my heart I will know that it is just a phase and just like I did when I was that age we all will move forward.

Love makes me strive to do things that I never thought I could... So here is to yet another day full of sappy cards and flowers that die and oversize teddy bears and lets not forget the candy... Its one day out of the year that you should also be the other 364 days... so for now I am cherishing the fact that I get years and years of love not just one day - however I am thankful that I dont have to worry about who my valentine is going to be ... I have the greatest of them all :)

Not really a title to put here

The last couple of months have really shook my core values and morals around quite a bit... Now I must say this post is in NO way judging anyone ...

I became good friends with two girls, at the time one was planning a divorce ( how you plan one I am not really sure, but if I could write a novel on her life I would...) The other until recently it appeared she was extremely happy in her marriage and really shook my world when she announced she was getting a divorce, I guess appearance is not always a good thing to go off of.

Taylor's seizures returned and with them brought a set back in her developement - I thought with having Nick home it would mean that I would have him by myside at all of her therapies... I was wrong - and without realizing it I scheduled her evaluations in the two most important therapies on the same day my husband has his PT test.

My health has its ups and downs more downs really than ups, gallbladder/appendix, then my migraines that turned into partial complex seizures, now low blood pressure instead of high and a hole in my heart... I am a fighter though and am learning to just push on...

Addyson started walking and let me tell you this little girl can GO - I am so thankful that I was here to see her take her first steps and everything, if I would have kept going on my career driven mindset I would be missing out on all of these firsts.

So how does all of this help me put life into perspective at the moment - for one I do have a supportive, non cheating husband - He has morals that I admire, we have been lately really having some deep discussions and are growing in our marriage, I honestly can say that I am happy I always have been from the first day I met my husband.. the kind of happiness you pray about.

I also had a good friend who wrote a book called Shouting at God - If you havent read it please do! It has helped piece together not neccesarily why things happen the way they do - but more so that its okay to "shout" at God .. I wont give to much more away from it, That is my take on the book and I loved it!

So as I sit here - the girls are asleep, Nicks father is visiting and he is also in bed ... I just have my music playing and I am enjoying some 'quiet time' to listen to my heart and relax before I head to bed...

I am thankful that I have each and everyone of you in my life! <3

My mother - Go rest high on that mountain!

Tomorrow marks thirteen years since my mother left this earth - As I sit here remembering her - one memory is clear as day - I remember going with my momma to the grocery store and before we even would start getting groceries we would stop by the bakery and get a fresh out of the oven gooey chocolate chip cookie - It is a fond memory that I have and I hope to share this same memory with my daughters. Alot has happened in thirteen years but I can still remember the 8th of February in '99 as if it was just yesterday...

I came home with my brother after gymnastic practice to find our father sitting in the recliner staring vacantly with tears in his eyes ... He simply said without looking at either of us to come and sit down ... I am not sure my brother nor myself knew what to expect - I mean the last time he was this serious was when mom had her stroke... I could not at the age of 10 think of anything more horrible than that. But in a minute my world was turned upside down... I am not sure how my father did it - not sure how he had the strength to tell his children that their mother had passed away nor did I know how he had to the strength to take my screaming and crying that he was a liar...I dont know if it will ever get easier or with more loss will I ever feel the same again...

My mother gave us a amazing "gift" if I may after she passed, and that is Mum - Dad remarried her and at the time and certainly not until I became a mother did I realize just this... Mum was gift to my brother and I - I certainly had anger against her growing up - and didnt realize that this "new" mother was what I wanted - now as I look back it was and I am thankful she waited patiently through it all...

Mum always made sure that my brother and I honored our mother - in everything we did. She always took us to her grave and usually would sit in the car but the occasional time she would walk with me and hold me as I cried out all the anger. I love you mum and I am thankful that you are there for me always. <3

So Mommy go rest high on that mountain!! I miss you and I love you!

Change.

Success is falling into bed at night knowing that you did the best that you could do.

At times I am overwhelmed and several friends and family have heard this come out of my mouth lately.

You know when you are a little kid and you are asked what you are going to be when you grow up and most kids have no idea and ramble something off thats crazy - Ya I always said dr, vet, or something to help others...

Not once till I got older did I realize that I wanted to be a mother - and I would search and I would find the best father for my children... Little did I know that I would find it so soon... I was 18 when I met nick - 18 YOUNG... Did I ever think I would be a mother by 20? Nope - but I am cherishing every moment...

Today I had to fight back tears in the Neurologist's office as I realized just what we are up against with Taylor - I was answering questions wondering in the back of my head - what if Addyson was born at 31 weeks as well... But she wasnt we were blessed to keep her in till 35 weeks.... But I fear because Addy is coming up to the same age taylor was that we started noticing tay was behind that I fear addy will be the same...


But I have to remember I went to bed - EVERY night knowing that I did the best I could as a mother, wife and a friend...

Lately - people seem to think that their decisions whether right or wrong need to affect EVERYONE... when in reality they affect no one but who they choose to involve... Which is why I am done - so many marriages these days are based off of lies - as well as friendships... A lot of people hide behind their keyboards... It is crazy to me.

Well off I go to bed... .Somewhere sometime you all will understand the feeling of being overwhelmed and when you do I will be there!!

Verdict is in.

Today I saw the neurologist, and the verdict is in what I have been dealing with for the last month and a half is a condition known as partial complex seizures - explains a lot right? It explains why Taylor has seizures. So now we wait, we wait for tests to rule out tumors ( which I am not expecting it to be, and neither does the dr.) However, it has to be done just in case.

I am for now taking 400 mg of dilantin, amitriptoline, naproxen, lisinpril, and yaz. Ya thats a lot of pills. lol Tomorrow marks the first day of therapies. I am ready, I have a planner and my game face on... Lets go!