Is this really God's plan? Or am I just pretending?

So about a month ago, Nick and I made a commitment to return to church - I think we were just tired of being stuck and really needed to seek out God and have His help in figuring out what we were meant to do. As most of you know, Nick got into some trouble at work and there for a while we were unsure where his career in the military was headed. This was a very stressful time and it still very much is. Nick has a pt test next month that will make or break him.

Anyhow, during the months of July, August, and September... Nick and I were forced to trust God and really re evaluate where we were in our faith and where our lives were going. It was around this time that we decided to give Church a try again. Now Nick and I were both raised Lutheran... However, we did not decide to go back to the Lutheran church - Not saying we are switching denominations, just where we are at in our walk with christ, we really needed to find a church that would take us where we were at and have the come as you are attitude.

Thus, began our journey at a methodist church near us, The children's program is very accomodating to Taylor and addyson and the come as your are worship service held in their gym is an all around rock out for jesus kind of experience.

So needless to say, Loud music and come as you are really drew Nick and Myself in.

Now we are at a point in our lives where we are questioning if this is all really God's plan for us - are we meant to stay military? Am I meant to finish my Masters? All of these questions and some have popped up in the last few months.

I think what really gets me still is Taylor. I mean, that is why I ran away from god. I did not understand that there was this God who loved me enough to give me the strength to rely on him to get us through everything with Taylor. I mean look at where we are at, 2 years ago, Taylor was not walking or talking. WE were in therapies and going strong but she was no where near where she needed to be.

Now 2 years later, she is still behind but man is she ever making excellent progress. Therapies three times a week, School starting in January. Its going to be a bumpy ride. But we have made it this far. And for that I am thankful.

So God, if this is your plan for our life, I thank you. For it truly has made me realize that life is not all glory and excitement... it is filled with challenges and heartache.


Have a blessed week :)

Parenthood and an Update...

I will update you first -

Addyson -  Growing, Growing, Growing... Weighing in at 28 lbs and 33 inches long - she is almost 2!! Where the heck did the last 2 years go? We are planning an Elmo party and I am sorta excited to make everything - a first for this mommy :) She is starting gymnastics soon and is overall just a joy to be around...

Taylor -  Oh my this little ball of energy that she seems to have - has really kept this momma going and going and going... She truly keeps me grounded with patience and responsibility. Therapies two days a week and starting school sometime soon - where she will go full time 8 to 1 and this momma - although I never thought I would say it can have a break :) She is weighing in at 38 lbs and 37 inches... so she is a bit vertically challenged, but hey thats quite alright!

Nick - Extended till March of 2013 and then he will re enlist for 6 more years - He is going back to school and obtaining his bachelor's in aviation maintenance... Doing well - we wont weigh him in - as I am sure he would not appreciate it :)

Me - I am doing well, I got word yesterday that I can graduate May 2013 with my Master's in Psychology... I must admit I am a bit nervous - all of this work and it is about to be over in less than 9 months... I made the decision to stay home as I will be moving to Melbourne, Fl to finish out my internship ( requirement) at the school... Grad announcements will go out - and I hope to see all of you there :) I am excited to close out this chapter in my life and to finally start working in the career field I want to and around the girls schedules... :)

SO lets do this!!!


Okay on to parenthood - I have to share this with you as I got a good chuckle....

a young mother was in the ID office on base yesterday when an older woman asked her if she planned to have anymore kids - by the way the young mother is 18 and her daughter is almost 2... anyhow the young mother goes " heck no, no one told me how hard it would be to take care of an infant..." Really?! I agree its challenging being a mother, but I love it - the blessings these two girls give me is more than enough to make up for the challenges...

What is your purpose in life?

This morning I went to an interview for a position as a social worker in a drug rehabilitation facility. First of all, let me start by stating I admire anyone who is able to overcome addiction. The lady conducting the interview went through a series of the normal questions. When asked me to tell her about myself, I started in on how I was married with two beautiful daughters one whom is special needs - well that is where she stopped me. She asked about Taylor and after I explained almost everything, she asked me to tell her what my purpose was in life before I had children - I could not answer the question, I mean I could spit out a zillion different answers that are generic - but I could honestly not answer the question. She said well that is interesting, you are so young and yet you can not tell me what your purpose was before you had children. Out of all due respect, I responded... I can simply not find an honest answer. 

she then went on to ask me, what is your purpose now? That was easy - to make the best life possible for my daughters and to love them unconditionally, I have added something new in to my response - that is to seek God in everything I do. For some of you already know this, but I went through an extreme hatred phase about a year ago... I still struggle and I lean on strong christian friends to help guide me. Anyhow back to the interview, the lady asked me why I chose to go the child advocate route, my response, so special needs children have a voice when no one else will listen. To that, she raised her eye brows. This offended me and to this moment I still am, our country is ignorant to special needs children. Everyone wants to think that they know and understand, but really until you have one of your own to take care of, to parent, to protect - trust me when I say you do not fully understand. 

Before Taylor, I could have cared less about special needs and what came with it. sure I worked with them, I had the heart for them, but I certainly did not care after 5pm when they went home. This scares me, after seeing all of the posts on FB this week about the first week of school and the "horror" stories I am scared to send Taylor to school without her having an advocate every step of the way. We can say that their parents are their biggest advocates and that may be true, but you still do not fully understand until you have that "outside" person who has an insight into the world that we are stuck in. 

So to the lady who conducted my interview, if you want to raise your eye brows - do so... but next time give me a chance to explain myself. Thanks :) 

So here is to hoping there was a place for me to minister and counsel drug addicts. I can only pray. 

Difficult Post to write.

So I apologize to my family who follow our blog, I have been MIA lately and this post has been sitting in Word waiting for the right time to post.

As a family we have been dealing with quite a bit here lately and we needed some time as a family to really let it sink in and adjust to it all. SO here is a mass update

Addyson - This little miss is growing SO big. She is 20 months now and before we know it she will be 2! Where did all the time go??? Just yesterday I feel like I was still pregnant with her. She is doing quite well and I could not be more proud of all she is accomplishing.

Taylor - Well from a therapy stand point she is doing amazing, PRAISE God! From a hearing standpoint, she failed her hearing screen for school so off we go to yet another specialist. This little girl is full of surprises and never ceases to amaze me with what comes out of her mouth. :)

Nick - Where do I start? Still waiting on news regarding his re enlistment, and waiting... He truly is my role model, during one of the most stressful times he has held his family together and has remained loyal to his duty to his country. We have been asked if he made Staff Sgt, and the answer is No. None the less I am proud of him and did not feel the need to post all over FB about it. I ask for prayers as we focus on where Nick's "fate" is headed...

Me - Well, grad school is proving to be challenging but nothing that I can not handle. I start my new job teaching three year old special needs soon and I find it oddly relaxing to know that with everything going on, I have been able to find a job. My health is not so well, I ask for prayers, My only kidney is not doing so well, and I have hit a lot of "reality" points in the last month. None the less, I will take care what needs to be done for my health and to be here for my family.

SO there you have it a lot going on in the last couple of months, its been a fun ride!

Later!

Lesson's Learned.

The last month we have been on a crazy roller coaster ride of learning some hard and some easy lessons. After all, this is reality - Life is full of lessons.

Out of it all I can honestly say I have learned one thing - My family whether it stays a family of 4 or it expands in the future, it is mine, these are the people who will love me no matter what and I will love them no matter what.

Here is a quick update of our family :)

Addyson - Oh my, I am not even sure where to start with little miss, She surely has given Nick and I a run for our money, some say its payback ( mum) other's just smile lol. She is weighing in at 24 pounds and is truly to smart for her own good. :)

Taylor - Armed with ADHD information and some mild "autism" info - She is continuing to break down walls, I could not be more thrilled to report she is ABOVE average for speech - This however does not mean we get to stop going to speech ( darn.) She still has some inappropriate use of speech ( repeating things over and over again, calling everything baby... etc) But the point is we did it, We got her off the spectrum and she is going to surprise a lot of people :)

Nick - Not much here, just waiting on Staff Sgt results and Retraining class dates - Prayers for him as this is proving to be a stressful time.

Me - Well into my 3rd week of Grad school - I am more than blessed to be able to fulfill my dreams and finish school, It is proving to be challenging and I often find myself more than once neglecting my phone/Facebook and I see it as a blessing - so please still be patient as I am learning Time management with three classes, Taylor's therapies and Addyson's busy schedule. I have been offered a job in P'cola - assuming we are really getting out of here sooner rather than later I will not be taking the job as it would place me here for a year regardless.

Pray that the stress is lifted soon and that we can begin to learn some easier lessons. :)

We love all of you and Miss you all !

Really needs no explanation

A couple of days ago I started receiving messages via facebook - Harassing me and telling me I was an unfit mother etc. Last night into this morning I was greeted with emails, yes you read that right telling me that if I did not change my ways my husband would leave me... Apparently I need to clear the air -

1. I do not leave my children with random people or my husband all the time to go out and drink, it was a one time deal - and trust me although needed it will most likely never happen again.
2. I do not leave my children period unless I have an appointment or Taylor has therapy.
3. I have not and I will not ever cheat on my husband - Vows mean a lot - and even if HEAVEN forbid we ever ended up speaking of a D.... then I still would wait till everything was finalized. ( I am not that girl.)

4. I am a very fit mother - in fact last time I checked I am the one whose daughter's have health insurance, a roof over their heads, food on the table and are granted pretty much every thing they ask for within reason.

5. I am a great friend - You just never earned that privilege because you burned a bridge with a close friend before you got to know me.


Watch what words come out of your mouth - and leave my name and everything to do with myself out of your mouth.


END RANT

Update

Here is a quick update -

Addyson

- officially can put two words together - Our favorite is "get down"
- walking, climbing, jumping on anything and everything.
- Weighing in at 23 lbs :)

Taylor

- New glasses that have made a world of difference for her fine motor but caused some regression in her gross motor.
- Talking up a storm... I mean seriously this little girl never stops talking!
- Weighing in at 33 lbs :)

Nick

- Passed pt test :)
- Tests for staff soon - so prayers please!
- Re enlists soon as well.

Me

- Back in grad school
- Chugging along

:)

...

Lately, I have been down in the dumps - struggling with accepting that we really are stationed here and that I am going to have to start making the most of it. As most of you know I hurt my knee pretty bad three days ago, Dr. said I have torn something just can not verify what until the swelling goes down.

I am mostly positive but lately I feel like I have two or three friends that I can truly count on at all times and then  everyone else always has some excuse. After talking with my Aunt and Uncle on the phone the night before last - they really opened my eyes that there is more than having friends in life. I am blessed with two beautiful girls who love me for me, A husband who supports me and loves me, and most of all family who cares. I lost both my parents young, my mum lives in Australia and although she is always there to talk me through a bad day or pull me out of a funk... its not the same not having her here to hug - SOON though, 2014 I will be with her for a month and for that I can not wait!

So Nick and I are looking into churches again - we both have had to come a long way since Taylor's birth with our faith and I think it would be great if we could find a great church family to join.

Tay got her glasses today and they are gorgeous on her :)

<3

Autism

Last night I was faced with taking an assessment via a private webpage about Taylor. It was to help her Developmental Pediatrician narrow down just exactly where she falls on the spectrum. Remember, we were told when she turned two that she had Autism Spectrum Disorder or ASD. At that time she was considered high functioning.

Something has happened friends and family and what I am about to share with  you all frightens me more than you will ever know.... Taylor has fallen ever further behind and sunk even further into her own little world. Nick and I have noticed this for some time, but what really convinced us was her recent behaviors - that are not at all  Taylor. This assessment is out of 180 so 0 being normal and 180 being severely autistic... Taylor scored a 116. All my dreams and hopes and goals for Taylor, went out the window last night, as I realized I would have to make new dreams, goals and change what I hope. This makes 2 times now where my dreams for Taylor have been crushed. Once the day she was born and the other last night.

I am not saying this in a negative, whoa is me kind of way - I am slowly with the help of Nick and Taylor's support coordinator coming to terms with the idea of creating new dreams. That it is okay to start small and move forward. So for now, my dream if you would like to know, is that she continues to respond in therapy and that she continues to communicate with Nick and myself.

The next couple of months are going to be challenging, we are changing Taylor's diet based off a lot of research I have completed, we are going to get her into the Autism school full time, even if we have to collect on our retirement fund. She will get the help that she needs, despite what our finances say. I am not one to bring money into situations, but this one is going to cost us a lot. The gas to and from therapies, the money to buy organic, gluten free, Casein free food ( which is not cheap.) and then the other factors of our daily lives, medicine, dr. visit's specialists - these all require trips that are 2 to 4 hours to get to, which use gas...

I am looking at potentially going back to work to help out some - As long as we can get her into somewhere full time, I can work.

So for now, friends and family I ask for patience and if I ask for help in any form I ask that you please help my family. I am one for taking on the world and trying to play superwoman.. but in reality sometimes I need to be told that its okay. You can not help everyone all at once.

So I ask you all to be patient with me - Do not be angry when I tell you I can not do something and then tell me that the world is going to end because you do not have my help... I guarantee you that I would trade lives for a day if it meant getting out of this nightmare.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for understanding.

Nick and Janine.

Spinal.

So friends - I get to tackle a MRI again. I know, right?! The Neurologist thinks that the spinal I had with addyson is causing me some issues.... Well who would have thought - afterall my body hates being pregnant. So for now i will go through another round of tests to see what they can find - and then hopefully have an outcome - goodnews is that the tingling I have can be controlled by medicine. Whats one more pill?!

Anyhow I will continue to fight for myself and for my daughters :)

Have a great day!!

Daddy.

*** I am writing this post a little early. ***

On March 31st it felt like a normal morning - I woke up ate some breakfast, drank some water and went about studying for some upcoming tests... Nothing could have prepared me for my husband walking in the door at 8 am, to tell me that my father had passed away. I remember yelling at him, I remember throwing things and I even remember screaming at the top of my lungs like a crazy person. I called mum and told her that everyone was lying to me - that my father was going to be home that I was just in a dream...

It wasn't.

Pregnant with his first granddaughter - I felt like I had been betrayed. I remember traveling in the car to Mt.Pleasant listening to my I pod the whole way so I didnt have to deal with listening to anyone. I Can still feel the overwhelming emotion as I stood at the back of the church and stared into where my father was - I wanted to run, I wanted to scream that everyone needed to leave - we werent going to do this funeral, not today not ever....

Three years later - I am slowly learning to deal with not having my father here. He was my hero - He taught me hard lessons, he taught me that to always do my best at whatever I do. He was the first one I called when I found out I was pregnant, He was the first one I called when ever anything happened. In a sense, he was my best friend... although I now know that a parent is never a best friend... but that cant mean that they are not a best parent.

Dad, I miss you - as I look back on the last three years I can see where you have blessed me in many ways - You have two beautiful granddaughters, your son is about to get married, mum is engaged and happy again, and Nick is excelling in his career. You are always with us - even if I can not physically be with us.

So, I ask that you all bear with me this week - it is a hard time for me.... You never really get over the death of a parent, you just learn to live with it.

To My boys...

I had hopes and dreams for you, Although I was shocked and scared as hell when I found out that i was pregnant with you... I had them. I had a hope that you would both be successful individuals, that you would love your sisters and fight with them, that you would leave your matchbox cars out in the floor and I would trip on them... See I had dreams.

Yesterday you both surprised us with leaving this world ( even in my womb ) to join Jesus and all the angels in Heaven. Part of me is jealous because your grandfather and grandmother got to hold you first. Then part of me is glad that you are being taken care of.

I know that when it is the right time we will be blessed with a son - now is not that time. For I am thankful, I get a little extra time loving the two beautiful children that I have. To focus on them, to help them fulfill their dreams and goals. We do plan on one day having a third child, by whatever means neccesary ... Despite what a lot of people thought this time around, I was healthy enough to carry a child - all of my medical conditions were under control... and I knew that although I was scared that it would all be okay.

Nick and I have heavy hearts. I dont think anyone should ever have to go through a miscarriage - I have had a few people tell me, well its not like you knew the baby... you didnt get to see them. Any mother - when they find out that they are pregnant - Immediatly become attached and have a strong bond with their unborn child.

So rest in peace, Alexander Michael and William Scott. For only the good die young. <3

RIP Michael Alex and William Scott.

sad day.

What to expect...

So in the last week Nick and I have received shocking and exciting news... To start

MY MUM is getting MARRIED, again. I am so ecstatic for her, that I literally have been doing a happy dance for the last 24 hours. But with the excitement comes fear, Fear that I will lose another parent, remember when dad remarried? 10 years later he passed away... I know everyone dies one day... but what if in 10 years I lose mum, the only parent I have left? But once again the excitement trumps the fear, and she knows how much I love her despite are disagreements, and the years of me torturing her. :) I love you mum... and welcome Geoff into our crazy family. :)

So here goes the shocking news....

We are expecting our third ( hopefully a son) sometime between July and September assuming the pregnancy goes as planned. I was very hesitant to announce it openly, however whether i miscarry or the pregnancy goes wonderful, I felt that the support from all of my friends and family might be helpful. It has been very hard for me to be excited about this pregnancy 1) I was on BIRTH control, 2) I am just getting into a routine with Taylor and Addyson, and 3) I have no idea how to parent 3 kids let alone 2... But obviously we did everything possible to prevent another kid...God has a plan, I am certain... So at this point all we can do is trust that He knows that this is right for our family.

I will update as I know more and hopefully which ever way this pregnancy goes Nick and I will learn a valuable lesson - that is to never say never. :)

Parenting a special needs child.

So, I know that on many occasions I have bit my tongue when a parent of a typical child does something development wise on time... I want to say, "so? Who cares? I enjoy the challenges that Taylor gives to us."

The truth is this, I hate seeing posts on FB or hearing about them, I am jealous simple as that. Im jealous even to the point that people have normal pregnancies and then have babies who hit each milestone and the parents have the energy and the time to post videos and pictures all of the time. Dont get me wrong, I am great friends with several people who have normal kids.

I attend therapy after therapy with Taylor as well as numerous dr appointments.

Currently we are potty training Taylor and as much as I want to believe that this is finally the time, I must admit I have my doubt... I keep waiting for Taylor to prove me wrong. To stop going potty, Just something... and its wrong... I know it is. But after living for 3 years now in challenge mode it is hard to not make everything a challenge.

So there you have it folks, Janine spoke her mind.

"this is me..."

The last two days proved to myself that I need a better outlet for my stress - I had a complete breakdown and for those around me it probably scared the shit out of them ( excuse my language) I am usually a heck of a lot stronger - I may let some tears fall every now and then but for the most part I hold things together for the sake of my husband and my children...
I thought that "getting a break" from my children would help - however I believe as well as Nick that it was my breaking point - at a critical time, after a stressful week I tried to run away from it all and ended up doing more damage to myself emotionally.... Taylor may be behind, Addyson may be growing up a little to fast, and Nick may be at a point in his career where his decisions affect our family as a whole... But its my choice to keep it all inside and thats not always a good thing.
So for now I am taking a step back from being a friend first... I put a lot ( not everything) Cause honestly I did that one to many times in my life so far and it ended up biting me in the butt.

I love you all.

Cheating, Husbands, and kids... WARNING this post will make some mad.

So a lot of crap has happened in the last couple of weeks as I have mentioned before it has all made me thankful for Nick... even more than I already was. But now I am going to touch on a topic that most people would never dare touch - but with my backgroud in social work I have a heart that breaks everytime I hear this story...

Typical 2 year olds know what is going on around them they know that their parents are not happy... with that said it breaks my heart when children tell me they do not want to go home because daddy and mommy fight all the time. I cant stress enough how important it is to not fight around your children...

Im not saying this is easy... it is hard I know firsthand... I can be irritating and at the same time my husband can be annoying ( shocking I know right?!) But we always talk quietly or wait till nap time to talk... if it is going to turn into a arguing match we usually just cool off first... Now I know that is not possible for everyone to do - but please make sure you both as it is your responsibility as parents to take care of your children that you make sure they are okay afterwards and if they want to talk to you about what happened then talk... dont tell them it is not their buisiness they are a part of your family and deserve the right to know and try and understand what is happening with mommy and daddy...

Just this last week Taylor came up to me and told me "i am not happy..." Shocked I had to control my own emotions and ask her why... all she could tell me was daddy and when I asked if it was that we had to move she says yes... With that being said that opened a door for me to talk to my daughter about her feelings and let her know that she doesnt always have to be happy - I think all to often we forget that our children have feelings...

So i leave you with this - listen to your children...

Then you STAND.

For about a week now I have been struggling - positive Janine on the outside and negative Janine on the inside - Many people do not know this ( until now ) when something is really bothering me I keep it inside - only select people ( my husband ) know how to break the barrier to get inside and figure out what is wrong...

Lately I have been struggling with Taylor and Addyson... I have struggled with the fear that I will leave them before they are grown... I struggle with accepting Taylor and her challenges ( shocking - if you have something to say here - please do...) then I have guilt that we brought Addyson into our family and the challenges... But in the end I get back to I am thankful...

I think from all of my studies from college that I am struggling with a certain type of grief and I am having problems moving through the stages... I read a great book just recently titled Shouting At God - If I could link this I would - It really opened my eyes and has made me think... in a good way.

I think that in time the wounds will heal and I will be able to be happy but for now till friday after her therapies I just need to be me for a bit - not helping everyone else because when it comes down to it - How can I help others if I cant help myself and my own family?

xoxoxo

What is love? ( in the words of Janine...)

To me love means sacrifice - It means being willing to set aside your own goals for someone else... It means taking time to truly understand the individual that you love... For my daughters it means loving unconditionally - something that I never thought was possible until Taylor was born... Its having your heart broken and then mended time and time again... It means to forgive and move on - not dwell on the past... It means with every goodbye there is a hello around the corner... it means going to bed happy and at peace, not angry... It means when I say always and forever that I mean it and will forever love you.

I am blessed to be married to an amazing man who time and time again has shown me what true love is - he has been by myside when others would have walked away... that is true love. <3

I am blessed to have two beautiful daughters and one day I am sure they will use the words I hate you ... but in my heart I will know that it is just a phase and just like I did when I was that age we all will move forward.

Love makes me strive to do things that I never thought I could... So here is to yet another day full of sappy cards and flowers that die and oversize teddy bears and lets not forget the candy... Its one day out of the year that you should also be the other 364 days... so for now I am cherishing the fact that I get years and years of love not just one day - however I am thankful that I dont have to worry about who my valentine is going to be ... I have the greatest of them all :)

Not really a title to put here

The last couple of months have really shook my core values and morals around quite a bit... Now I must say this post is in NO way judging anyone ...

I became good friends with two girls, at the time one was planning a divorce ( how you plan one I am not really sure, but if I could write a novel on her life I would...) The other until recently it appeared she was extremely happy in her marriage and really shook my world when she announced she was getting a divorce, I guess appearance is not always a good thing to go off of.

Taylor's seizures returned and with them brought a set back in her developement - I thought with having Nick home it would mean that I would have him by myside at all of her therapies... I was wrong - and without realizing it I scheduled her evaluations in the two most important therapies on the same day my husband has his PT test.

My health has its ups and downs more downs really than ups, gallbladder/appendix, then my migraines that turned into partial complex seizures, now low blood pressure instead of high and a hole in my heart... I am a fighter though and am learning to just push on...

Addyson started walking and let me tell you this little girl can GO - I am so thankful that I was here to see her take her first steps and everything, if I would have kept going on my career driven mindset I would be missing out on all of these firsts.

So how does all of this help me put life into perspective at the moment - for one I do have a supportive, non cheating husband - He has morals that I admire, we have been lately really having some deep discussions and are growing in our marriage, I honestly can say that I am happy I always have been from the first day I met my husband.. the kind of happiness you pray about.

I also had a good friend who wrote a book called Shouting at God - If you havent read it please do! It has helped piece together not neccesarily why things happen the way they do - but more so that its okay to "shout" at God .. I wont give to much more away from it, That is my take on the book and I loved it!

So as I sit here - the girls are asleep, Nicks father is visiting and he is also in bed ... I just have my music playing and I am enjoying some 'quiet time' to listen to my heart and relax before I head to bed...

I am thankful that I have each and everyone of you in my life! <3

My mother - Go rest high on that mountain!

Tomorrow marks thirteen years since my mother left this earth - As I sit here remembering her - one memory is clear as day - I remember going with my momma to the grocery store and before we even would start getting groceries we would stop by the bakery and get a fresh out of the oven gooey chocolate chip cookie - It is a fond memory that I have and I hope to share this same memory with my daughters. Alot has happened in thirteen years but I can still remember the 8th of February in '99 as if it was just yesterday...

I came home with my brother after gymnastic practice to find our father sitting in the recliner staring vacantly with tears in his eyes ... He simply said without looking at either of us to come and sit down ... I am not sure my brother nor myself knew what to expect - I mean the last time he was this serious was when mom had her stroke... I could not at the age of 10 think of anything more horrible than that. But in a minute my world was turned upside down... I am not sure how my father did it - not sure how he had the strength to tell his children that their mother had passed away nor did I know how he had to the strength to take my screaming and crying that he was a liar...I dont know if it will ever get easier or with more loss will I ever feel the same again...

My mother gave us a amazing "gift" if I may after she passed, and that is Mum - Dad remarried her and at the time and certainly not until I became a mother did I realize just this... Mum was gift to my brother and I - I certainly had anger against her growing up - and didnt realize that this "new" mother was what I wanted - now as I look back it was and I am thankful she waited patiently through it all...

Mum always made sure that my brother and I honored our mother - in everything we did. She always took us to her grave and usually would sit in the car but the occasional time she would walk with me and hold me as I cried out all the anger. I love you mum and I am thankful that you are there for me always. <3

So Mommy go rest high on that mountain!! I miss you and I love you!

Change.

Success is falling into bed at night knowing that you did the best that you could do.

At times I am overwhelmed and several friends and family have heard this come out of my mouth lately.

You know when you are a little kid and you are asked what you are going to be when you grow up and most kids have no idea and ramble something off thats crazy - Ya I always said dr, vet, or something to help others...

Not once till I got older did I realize that I wanted to be a mother - and I would search and I would find the best father for my children... Little did I know that I would find it so soon... I was 18 when I met nick - 18 YOUNG... Did I ever think I would be a mother by 20? Nope - but I am cherishing every moment...

Today I had to fight back tears in the Neurologist's office as I realized just what we are up against with Taylor - I was answering questions wondering in the back of my head - what if Addyson was born at 31 weeks as well... But she wasnt we were blessed to keep her in till 35 weeks.... But I fear because Addy is coming up to the same age taylor was that we started noticing tay was behind that I fear addy will be the same...


But I have to remember I went to bed - EVERY night knowing that I did the best I could as a mother, wife and a friend...

Lately - people seem to think that their decisions whether right or wrong need to affect EVERYONE... when in reality they affect no one but who they choose to involve... Which is why I am done - so many marriages these days are based off of lies - as well as friendships... A lot of people hide behind their keyboards... It is crazy to me.

Well off I go to bed... .Somewhere sometime you all will understand the feeling of being overwhelmed and when you do I will be there!!

Verdict is in.

Today I saw the neurologist, and the verdict is in what I have been dealing with for the last month and a half is a condition known as partial complex seizures - explains a lot right? It explains why Taylor has seizures. So now we wait, we wait for tests to rule out tumors ( which I am not expecting it to be, and neither does the dr.) However, it has to be done just in case.

I am for now taking 400 mg of dilantin, amitriptoline, naproxen, lisinpril, and yaz. Ya thats a lot of pills. lol Tomorrow marks the first day of therapies. I am ready, I have a planner and my game face on... Lets go!

Time to make a change...

All to often I think I forget to be thankful, I forget to be thankful for all that God has given me - to start He has given me an amazing husband, I do not use the word amazing lightly... He truly is amazing, supportive and even more just as grateful as I am. He has also given me our two beautiful daughters... Despite the struggles we have with Taylor she is a blessing, for taylor alone has taught me true happiness. Addyson has taught me patience. He has also blessed me with some amazing friends, who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I could list them, but I will not - due to forgetting someone.

Anyhow I am also thankful for special needs ministry... You see when I went to college in Tucson - I attended a church that was solely established for special needs kids and adults and their families... I thought this was a great idea and got involved in the ministry - not knowing at the time that God would bless me with a special needs child - NOW you are probably all saying HUH? he has blessed you? Yes, he has because without him giving me taylor - I would have kept living life in fast forward and never truly would have slowed down. Anyhow one of the men that really mentored me through my freshman year of college, contacted me today - after we have been communicating back and forth via email. Through tears and laughter I realized that even though I may never understand WHY, I know that I have the strength and support to get through the battles with Taylor. Good news is he was able to give me a list of 4 churches that have special needs ministry here in florida :) Guess its time to start looking and settling... Im tired of going though the motions of everyday life... I need and want something more!

Here is to hoping and praying that we can fit in somewhere here in the sunny state of Florida!!

Rock Bottom - or At least almost there...

I have always been strong when it has come to Taylor's therapies and her health problems... I have let a few tears fall every now and then, but for the most part I have held it together - Until last night... For some reason - people feel the need to say hurtful things like, Taylor is the way she is because of you... and it is your fault that she was born early - so deal with it and move on... First of all, these things are not okay to say to anyone - even your worst enemy... Second, do they really think I have not thought through these things and have insecurities when it comes to Taylor... Point is - almost 3 years ago, My body failed Taylor, my body decided it didn't want to be pregnant anymore and "failed" my daughter. Now whether or not this is true or not - It is something I have struggled with and will continue to struggle with... Last night nick and I had a long discussion about where we are at in our marriage, where the girls are at, and how the heck we push through this... the truth is all we figured out is that this is OUR life - and despite what everyone thinks including friends and family - we are the ones that have to live with decisions... We know that with my health and Nicks career that a extreme lifestyle change is needed... this includes diet and family exercise... ( I will just call this last part family bonding time.) When it comes to the girls - yes, I have to accept the fact that Taylor is behind and live with my decisions to work instead of putting her straight back into therapy - I can only hope that I did not do any damage in the decisions I made... But again I will have to live with them and no one else... Addyson will need to be in preschool when she turns 3 and although we have a ways to go with that, it really is right around the corner... there is so much going on right now - tomorrow will mark endless phone calls to dr's and developemental pediatricians.... therapists and hopefully answers... but its a start... and to answer everyone's question - yes I will be staying home, for the benefit of my family... Career on hold for now - and that folks is how I hit Rock bottom.

Fake or Real?!

Since we have moved to Florida, our lives have changed in more ways than one -

- Taylor's Seizure's have returned - and we are even more concerned and worried why they have returned... Her speech is improving but like with everything else we will have set backs and regression and with each seizure there is a regression in some form. She will never stop amazing us with her miracles - even the tiny ones... she is a blessing and we are blessed to be her parents.

- Addyson started walking - It saddens me that unlike Taylor who we have to teach every little thing to, addyson does things before we even get to teach her... I am thankful that we have one "normal" kid - but like I have said before countless times I am not sure there is a normal anymore... and if there is one, I dont know what it looks like. We will take whatever addyson wants to teach us - she has taught us a lot so has her sister. Patience is one of those teachings and I am reminded daily of it.

Nick re enlists here soon, and although I am not sure I can look back on the last 4 years and be "thankful" for all of it, I know there are times that I am certainly thankful he took the military career for instance the birth of both of our daughters - that would have been a heck of a medical expense... the countless medical problems Taylor and I both face, also the chance to prove our love and marriage is strong... being apart for the year while he did his tour in south korea proved time and time again that life makes love look hard, that nothing not even being seperated by oceans could change that. He is my soul mate, the love of my life, and my best friend... He is Nick - also with moving to florida came our 3 year wedding anniversary - whoa! Florida sure is crazy, but i am hoping that the military has a plan for us and we will follow nick wherever he is sent.

Me - Healthwise I am not so good, I see a cardiologist, neurologist, and my normal pcm... I take approx 7 pills daily but that hasnt stopped me... I am just reminded that there will always be Giants or mountains that I am going to have to climb and having the friends and family to support me will always be helpful. School and Career wise - Let me introduce to you the career college student, why yes I can not make up my mind it seems with what I want to do... I know I want to go to med school and I really would love to go to Harvard med but with recent health problems and the kiddos I think it is best for now to just stay home and focus on all that is on my plate. As hard as it is for me to not have my choice career I need to be thankful I do have two degrees and a husband who is willing to wait while I decide what it is I want to do. I love being home with the girls, but trust me the moment they go to school - it is this momma's time to focus on herself and her career. :)

I hope that this post finds you all well, and that the true friends I have are still kicking... Florida has brought out the best in me and has made me realize that "fake" is not okay - So Janine is here and if you do not like what I have to say then sorry - there is a delete button on fb and I will continue to all my friends to keep it real. :) xoxox